#108 – They Don’t Call It Turkey Day For Nothin’

Twilight: “Suit yourselves. May the better team win! Me!”

Originally Published: 11/28/01 . 16 pages

Synopsis
Reeve and Tseng are going to host Thanksgiving dinner this year, but no one but Lark is interested in going – until they hear there’ll be a best turkey contest! Who will win the ‘fantastic’ prize?

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

I like all the Thanksgiving rambles, and this one is no exception. The moral here is, make sure you know the prize before you enter a contest.

(reeve and tseng are at lunch with treize and zechs. they look bored out of their minds and keep glancing at one another as treize and zechs talk on and keep going off topic.)

Treize: “…And so that’s really what makes performing so rewarding. Wouldn’t you agree, my love?”

Zechs: “Of course, darling.”

Tseng: “Uh-huh.”

Treize: “Anyway, I wanted to give you these.”

(he slides two tickets across the table. tseng and reeve stare at them)

Zechs: “They’re two tickets to our next concert in the beginning of December. Front row!”

Tseng: *phony as hell* “Oh… Thank you…”

Reeve: “Yeah. You’re both too kind.”

Treize: *grinning at zechs* “I told they’d like them.”

Zechs: “Of course, darling.”

(later on, reeve and tseng return to their room looking not too thrilled)

Reeve: “How did we get roped into that?”

Tseng: “Sorry.”

Reeve: “I don’t want to go to their concert!”

Tseng: “Me neither! They’re not very good!”

Reeve: *sigh* “You know, I like Treize and Zechs. Really. In small doses. I can’t spend a whole day with them. They’re way too affectionate with one another. Every sentence ends with ‘honey’ this and ‘my love’ that. It makes me sick. And Treize goes on and on and never shuts up! Half the time I don’t even know what he’s talking about, and my IQ is above the genius mark!”

Tseng: “I know, dear.” *sigh* “Well I guess we’re stuck going to the concert. No one will want to take the tickets from us. Not even Lark and Noelle.”

Reeve: “You’re right.” *pause* “Hey… Weren’t we planning to host Thanksgiving this year?”

Tseng: *grins* “Yup! I still have to finish getting out the invitations.”

Reeve: “Hmmm… Sweetie pie, I think I have an idea…”

Tseng: “I’m all ears, love.”

………………………………………………………………………………………..

(the next day, a bunch of people are in the ramble room, invitations in hand)

Rufus: “You are invited to Reeve and Tseng’s Thanksgiving celebration.” *snort* “Who’s actually going to go?

Lark: “I am!”

Rufus: “No offense, but I think I could go one holiday without seeing those two.”

Sephiroth: “Agreed.”

Reno: “Yeah, I’m gonna skip it too. I don’t think anyone’s gonna show.”

Lark: “I am!”

Zell: “Is Squall going?”

Irvine: “No. No one is.”

Lark: “I am!”

Rufus: “Well, I’m gonna go RSVP and tell them NO. I’ll be back.” *he leaves*

Zidane: “I feel kinda bad no one’s going.”

Lark: “I’M GOING!”

Sephiroth: “Would you shut up, woman? We’re talking about people who aren’t fag hags.”

Lark: *pouts* “I am not one. And don’t use that word.”

………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, rufus is talking to reeve and tseng)

Rufus: “Uh, yeah… I’m really sorry you guys, but I really don’t think I’m gonna be able to come to your Thanksgiving.”

Reeve: “Why not?”

Rufus: “I got…stuff.”

Tseng: “But we’re having a best turkey contest!”

Rufus: “Eh.”

Reeve: “It’ll be fun!”

Rufus: “Eh.”

Tseng: “There’s gonna be a prize!”

Rufus: “E–” *eyes widen* “Whoa-wai-what? An awesome prize?”

Reeve and Tseng: *nod*

Rufus: *all lit up* “Never mind the stuff! I’ll be there with the best damn turkey you’ve ever seen!” *runs off*

Reeve: “…I guess we shouldn’t tell him the prize sucks then.”

Tseng: “Hell no. Now let’s get ready.”

……………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile back in the ramble room, rufus runs back in excitedly.)

Rufus: “Hey, you guys! Come on! We gotta go get a turkey!”

Sephiroth: “Why? Are they on the endangered species list and being sold illegally on the black market for thousands?”

Rufus: “No! Better! Reeve and Tseng are giving out a totally awesome prize at their party for the best turkey!”

Everyone: *gasp*

Twilight: “I’m gonna win!”

Sephiroth: “No way! I am!”

Irvine: “No one knows turkeys more than me!”

Rufus: “Shut up, cowboy, uh, boy! You don’t have my kinda money!”

Zell: “You tell him, Rufus!”

Rufus: “Shut up, Zell. Let’s go!”

(everyone stampedes out except for Noelle, reno and irvine. Noelle and reno are making out. irvine frowns at them.)

Irvine: “Yo, man. Aren’t we gonna try and win this thing?”

Reno: *pulling away for a second* “Yeah, man. Later. Relax.”

…………………………………………………………………………………..

(meanwhile…loser land…)

Hojo: *studying invitation* “Hmmm… We don’t seem to be invited.”

Scarlet: *sarcastically* “Here’s my surprised face.” *expression doesn’t change*

Nida: “Why was *Kuja* invited?”

Kuja: “Because I’m beautiful.”

Nida: “Why were you really invited?”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Thanksgiving! Eat till you drop!”

Nida: “You do that every day, dumb ass!”

Hojo: “It appears Reeve and Tseng are having a best turkey contest. I can make one for you to bring, my pet.”

Kuja: “Oh, I’m not going.”

Hojo: “Why?”

Kuja: “I have to go to the homeless shelter and distribute Thanksgiving dinner.”

Scarlet: “Are you kidding? Why?”

Kuja: “Community service. I’ll never be Miss America if I don’t help others.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! There’s so much wrong with that I don’t know where to start!”

Nida: “You’re the most selfish person I know!”

Scarlet: “And you’re a *man*!”

Kuja: “I’d like to see any of the other contestants out score me in the swimsuit competition.”

Hojo: “Very well then. I’ll have to pass my magical turkey onto someone else.”

Nida: “Magical like Harry Potter?”

Scarlet: “Shut the hell up, dork.”

Hojo: “Hmm…now who can be worthy of my wonderful turkey?”

Scarlet: “The garbage can?”

Heidegger: “Me! Gya haa haa!”

Hojo: “Quiet, fool!” *thinks* “Hmmm…who will take anything for free…?”

………………………………………………………………………………………….

(thanksgiving…reno comes into the ramble room where irvine and noelle are, grinning)

Reno: “Hey! Free turkey!” *he plops it down on the table* “It looks good.”

Irvine: “Where did you get it?”

Reno: *shrugs* “I dunno.” *hands him a card* “This was on it.”

Irvine: *reads aloud* “To Reno. Hope you like your free healthy turkey. Love your secret admirer.”

Noelle: “What secret admirer?!? You’re mine!”

Reno: “Of course, sexy. But the important thing is, we have a turkey for the contest, and we didn’t even have to try!”

Reno and Irvine: *high five* “Kick ass!”

Noelle: “I wonder how the others are doing…? The party starts soon…”

……………………………………………………………………………………………

(we cut to the middle of the woods, where rufus, algus, zidane and zell are, wearing hunting clothes and aimed with rifles)

Rufus: “What a great day for hunting! It’s nice to get a chance to use my trusty old rifle again!”

Zell: *warily* “Rufus, I don’t know how to use this…”

Rufus: “What’s not to know? You see something move, you shoot.”

Zell: “You mean if I see a turkey, right?”

Rufus: “Uh…right.”

Algus: “If a bear or any kind of wild creature rushes us, be sure to shoot it, slave.”

Zidane: *jaw clenched* “I am NOT your slave!”

Rufus: “Now wasn’t our own wild turkey a smart idea? I’m glad I thought of it. We’ll win the fabulous and totally cool prize for sure!”

Zidane: “I don’t even think there ARE wild turkeys around here.”

Rufus: “Of course there are. They’re everywhere wild. That’s why they’re called WILD turkeys.”

Zell: *laughs* “Heh heh. I get it.”

Zidane: “We’re gonna be here awhile.”

………………………………………………………………………………………..

(meanwhile, twilight, opal, rude and shell are all standing in a strange looking market place. twilight is rubbing his hands together evilly)

Twilight: “I have just the thing! The black market! Cheap and nice! You can’t beat cheap!”

Opal: “But that’s illegal, Twilight.”

Twilight: “Did I mention it’s fun too?”

Shell: *makes a face* “Cheap? I don’t think so. Rude and I will find the most expensive and gourmet turkey this market has to offer. Won’t we, Rude?”

Rude: “If you say so, Shell.”

Twilight: “Suit yourselves. May the better team win! Me!”

Opal: “You’re not on the team by yourself, Twilight.”

Twilight: “….Oh, right.”

………………………………………………………………………………………….

(meanwhile, lark, vincent and sephiroth are back in the ramble room, lark vincent and seph are standing around…making…burgers?)

Lark: “This is great! We’ll win for creativity!”

Sephiroth: *pouts* “I wanted to go hunting…”

Vincent: “You’ve killed enough, angel.”

Sephiroth: “I’ve never killed enough…”

Lark: “Stop whining and pick up the pace. We have to make at least 100 turkey burgers.”

Sephiroth: “Why? No one’s gonna eat them.”

Vincent: “I will.”

Sephiroth: “Yeah, but we all know there’s something wrong with you.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

(meanwhile, rinoa, squall, Ashley and seifer have pulled up to some kind of farm. rinoa and Ashley are glaring at one another. seifer is staring at some kind of pamphlet)

Seifer: “This says that this is the best turkey farm around.”

Squall: *arms crossed* “Whatever.”

Rinoa: *glares* “Could you possibly take up more of the back seat?”

Ashley: “Me?? It wasn’t my fat ass taking up the whole thing, chubby!”

Rinoa: *gasp* “I am not fat!”

Ashley: “You’re right. You’re obese.”

Rinoa: “Hey! You take that back!”

Seifer: “Hey! Girls! Stop fighting! We have to get the best damn turkey!”

Squall: “…Shouldn’t there be a farmer…or something?”

(then someone comes out of the barn, grinning. everyone stares in horror)

Cousin Maxwell: “Well looky here! It seems our old friends have found our brand new turkey farm! Set it up with the money we made in that there carnival business we started! Lasted a whole ten days it did! And now we got ourselves a farm full of turkeys! Each one got less than ten diseases! More than five but less than ten! That’s less diseases than Flossy!”

Flossy: *baas and twitches*

Ashley: *backing up slowly* “I think we need a new plan.”

Seifer: *already back in the car* “Hurry! Before he makes us wear mama’s dress!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………

(back in the forest…everyone is dragging their feet, including rufus, whose obviously still trying to hold onto some shred of hope)

Zidane: “There are NO turkeys.”

Rufus: “Shut up! Yes there are!”

Zell: “We haven’t seen any animals at all.”

Algus: “The party is supposed to begin soon… Can’t we simply go to the store and purchase one?”

Rufus: “But that one might not win us the fabulous, terrific and totally awesome prize!”

Zidane: “What the hell are you expecting? A new car?”

Rufus: “No.” *snort* “I’m expecting something a lot better than that.”

Algus: “Rufus, perhaps you’ll have to give in this time. I’m sure we can find a perfectly nice turkey at the supermarket.”

Rufus: *mumbles unhappily*

…………………………………………………………………………………………

(and so, back at reeve and tseng’s, the parties are beginning to arrive, starting with barret, cid and red. they have no turkey)

Tseng: “Hi, you guys! Happy Thanksgiving!”

Reeve: *blink blink* “Did you not hear about the contest?”

Barret: “Yo! We brought this here turkey!” *points to red*

Cid: “#$%#@^@$#&^$&@$&$%&@^!”

Red: “Did you really think they would do otherwise?”

(lark, sephiroth and vincent arrive)

Lark: “Happy Thanksgiving!” *hands them the platter of turkey burgers*

Tseng: “Oh… Wow… This is…interesting.”

Lark: “I told you.”

Sephiroth: “He clearly meant it *badly*.”

(there’s another knock and reeve opens the door to let in twilight, opal, shell and rude)

Twilight: “Here you go! It’s as legal as they come!”

Reeve: “Uh…thanks.”

Shell: “Our turkey is a designer turkey. Look, it comes with a diamond pop-up timer.”

Tseng: “Wow…” *then quietly to rude* “I’m sorry, man.”

Rude: “I won’t be eating for a week after this.”

(there’s another knock, and reeve lets in squall, seifer, Ashley and rinoa, who all look traumatized. rinoa hands him a box of entemanns doughnuts)

Rinoa: “Here you go. Happy Thanksgiving.”

Seifer: “I hate turkey…”

Reeve: “Uh…okay…”

(the doorbell rings again, and in comes rufus and the gang. rufus is still pouting. algus hands over the turkey)

Algus: “Here you are, the perfect thanksgiving turkey.”

Rufus: “Can we have our prize now?”

Tseng: “Not everyone is here yet.”

(then there’s a knock at the door and in comes irvine, reno and Noelle)

Reno: “Yo, everybody! Sup?” *hands over turkey*

Reeve: “Wow, this is a nice turkey.”

Tseng: “Yeah. Where did you get it?”

Irvine: “That’s our little secret.”

Seifer: “You didn’t get it at the turkey farm from hell, did you??”

Noelle: “Uh…no. Ashley, your boyfriend is crazy.”

Ashley: “Actually for once he’s not.”

Rufus: “Yeah, that one sucks. Can I have my prize now?”

Tseng: “No. We have to cook them before we can tell a winner.”

Rufus: “Cook them? But that takes hours!”

Reeve: “Right. That’s why we have activities planned.”

Twilight: “Uh oh.”

Sephiroth: “At the count of five we run towards the door.”

Twilight: “We’re doomed!”

Reeve: *putting on square dancing music and swinging tseng by the elbow* “Swing your damsel!”

Tseng: “I told you not to call me that!”

Rufus: “Oh boy. This prize better be damn worth it.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………

(much later, everyone is sitting around. most of them look pretty bored.)

Rufus: “Okay, we did the square dancing, where, I may add, I was forced to dance with ZELL.”

Zell: “That was fun!”

Zidane: “At least you didn’t have to be with Algus.”

Algus: “I was the perfect gentleman!”

Zidane: “You kept stepping on my feet!”

Rufus: “We played pass the orange, which Seifer kept screwing up–“

Seifer: “That game is hard!”

Rufus “–and had a pumpkin pie eating contest, which Zell easily won.”

Zell: “I did good! Right, Squall?”

Rufus: “So can we PLEASE give out the prize now?”

Reeve: “One more game.”

4/5 of the room: *groan*

Tseng: “We’re going to get in a line and play telephone.”

(grumbling, everyone gets in a line and reeve starts. they all go down the line. twilight is last.)

Twilight: *declares* “Reeve and Tseng are really gay!”

Tseng: “Hey!”

Reeve: “That’s not what I said! You changed it!”

Twilight: “I would never change perfection!”

Tseng: “Who changed it?”

Sephiroth: *snort laugh*

Reeve: “Sephiroth!”

Sephiroth: “Let’s play again!”

Lark: *smacks him*

Rufus: *sigh* “NOW can we–“

Tseng: “Yes! Let me go get them.”

(and he takes all the turkeys and puts them out.)

Barret: “Yo! Where be our turkey!”

Red: “Right here.”

Barret: “Yo! Get yo’ ass up there!”

Red: “Bite me.”

Barret: “Yo! That be the idea!”

Cid: “@$%#$^$#@&#$&%@#$%!”

Barret: “You be right, Cid! He go damn well with stuffing!”

Tseng: “So, we went over the turkeys, and we decided that one turkey really did stand out.”

Rufus: “Great! I’ll take my prize now.”

Reeve: “Uh…Reno, Irvine and Noelle won.”

Rufus: “WHAT?!”

Reno and Irvine: “Kick ass!” *high five*

Tseng: “Sorry. I only have two tickets.” *hands them tickets*

Reno: *looks at them* “Tickets to Treize and Zechs’ holiday concert?!”

Reeve: “Front row.”

Rufus: “THAT’S your fabulous, terrific, amazing and totally awesome prize you bragged about?”

Tseng: “Uh… I never said any of those things.”

Rufus: “Well you IMPLIED them!”

Tseng: “I never even implied it was half way decent.”

Lark: “Come on, Rufus. Don’t get upset. It’s Thanksgiving and we’re supposed to enjoy the day as friends.”

Sephiroth: “Oh, gag me. Everyone just came for the damn pr–“

Lark: *claps a hand over his mouth*

Reeve: “Well shall we eat it?”

(he goes to cut it, but just as he does, cait sith pops up)

Cait Sith: “Ha ha! In exchange for all the torture you’ve put upon me, Reeve, I’m gonna eat your thanksgiving turkey!”

Reeve: “Torture I’ve put on *you*? What are you talking about? All you do is lower my self esteem!” *sniffle* “I’m very fragile!”

Cait Sith: “You suck, Reeve!”

(he laughs evilly, shoves down the whole turkey and then looks happy for one little moment before short circuiting and collapsing on the floor)

Everyone: *blink blink*

Reeve: “Oh my god… The winning turkey killed Cait Sith!”

Tseng: “You buzzard!”

Reeve: *sniff sniff* “And on a holiday too..”

Zidane: “Well that’s…odd.”

Sephiroth: “There was something wrong with that turkey.” *looks at reno*

Reno: *shrugs* “Momma never said not to take turkeys left on your doorstep.”

Sephiroth: “I smell Hojo.”

Zell: “I just smell cranberry sauce.”

Algus: “Well, at least we have several turkeys left.”

Lark: “And the turkey burgers!”

Sephiroth: “For the last time. NO ONE WANTS THOSE!”

Rufus: “Hey! Since their turkey killed Cait Sith, they shouldn’t win.”

Reno: “You really want the tickets, Rufus?”

Rufus: “I deserve the prize!”

Reno: “Fine.” *gives him the tickets*

Rufus: “Hooray! I won!”

Reno: “No you didn’t.”

Rufus: “Yes I did. I have the tickets.”

Reno: “Because I gave them to you.”

Rufus: “No, I won them.”

Reno: *rolls eyes* “Yeah, okay, Rufus.”

Irvine: “Do you actually plan to go?”

Rufus: “Of course! I earned them! And Algus is coming too!” *pats him on the back*

Zidane: *mumbles* “Good. He could use some good torture.”

Algus: “What was that, slave?”

Zidane: *grins* “Have a good time!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

 (the next day, at the concert. treize and zechs are singing ‘i’ve got you babe’. rufus and algus have their heads resting on their hands, bored out of the their minds)

Algus: “I hope you realize, that right now, I really hate you.”

Rufus: *moans* “I hate myself.”

THE END

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