#58 – Too Close To Call

Twilight: “We could do that! And with people who smile for real!”
Originally Published: ??? . 75 pages

Synopsis
Sephiroth and Rufus face off in a vicious campaign for ramble room locker! With commercials, parades and a voting booth rigged with a camera, this is sure to be one memorable election!

Ramble Milestones
Nothing this time.

I love this ramble. There are so many insane things happening here. Clearly this was inspired by the Presidential election in 2000, and I used every single idea my sister and I came up with. Some things of note:

-Sephiroth claims not to be rich. He’s lying, of course he’s loaded, just super cheap.

-Rufus chooses Rude as his running mate basically because he’s the only one they won’t be able to dig up dirt on. And he totally discriminates against Elena, Tseng and Reeve.

-Love all the commercials. Some of my favorite moments are the one where Rufus shows what Sephiroth has done for the ramble room and it’s basically a bunch of photos of a dead Zell, Nida’s ad with the other losers posing as members of his family. (Including Hojo wearing sneakers on his knees pretending to be a kid.) And, of course, there’s Twilight disguising himself as ‘Mr. Smith’, and Reno posing as Sephiroth harassing Elena.

-Rufus’ parade and carnival. (Which featured balloons! And puppies!)

-Zell apparently didn’t used to like Rufus. That changed.

-Shell totally cheats on Rude with Irvine. At least she feels guilty.

(everyone is in the ramble room, but no one knows why…)

Katie: “Do you know why we’re here, Lizzie?”

Lizzie: “Not a clue.”

Noelle: “I don’t know either.”

Katie: “I didn’t ask you.”

Reno: “I hope this isn’t about the phone bill again.”

Irvine: “What are you worried about? We haven’t called any phone sex hotlines since we got busted.”

Reno: *sweat drops* “Yeah, not together.”

Irvine: “Reno!”

Seifer: “Maybe we’re going on another trip.”

Rufus: “Maybe all the Gundam Wing jerks are dead.”

Zell: *scratches his head* “It hasn’t been another 50 rambles, has it?”

Reeve: “Oh no! It’s not her birthday, is it? I didn’t get her a present.”

Sephiroth: “It’s not her birthday.” *frowns* “I hope she’s not going to announce she’s dating some jerk.” *quickly counts every guy in the room* “Nope. All jerks accounted for.”

(lark comes in the room, frowning)

Tseng: “Oh no…”

Reno: “She’s frowning.”

Shell: “Not good.”

JT: “Yeah. Not good.”

Lark: “You guys….do you have *any* idea what happened last night?”

Sephiroth: *mutters* “No, because unfortunately I wasn’t with you.”

Lark: “The last person out of the ramble room forgot to lock the door! Anyone could have come in!”

Barret: “Yo, that’s it?!”

Reno: *wipes brow* “Phew. Looks like I can still have phone sex.”

Lark: “That’s it?! It’s a big problem! That’s why I’ve called for this meeting to find someone willing to lock the door every night and unlock it every morning.”

Sephiroth: *eagerly* “I’ll do it!!”

Rufus: “No, I’ll do it!”

Sephiroth: *glares* “I said *I’ll* do it, priss boy!”

Rufus: “I volunteered for the job, freak boy experiment!”

Sephiroth: “I was first!”

Rufus: “I’m more responsible!”

Sephiroth: “Oh yeah? Let’s let Lark pick then.”

Rufus: “Yeah. Let Lark pick.”

(they both turn to lark smiling pleasantly)

Lark: *blinks* “I don’t know. I can’t pick between you two.”

Rufus: *whines* “Then how are we supposed to figure out who gets it?”

Lark: *shrugs* “Have an election.”

Sephiroth: “An election?”

Lark: “Yeah. You know. An election. You can both run for the office of Ramble Room Locker.”

Rufus: “I’ll need two weeks to run a full campaign.”

Sephiroth: “Campaign?”

Lark: *shrugs* “Sure. Fine.” *sarcastically* “Why don’t you pick a running mate too, just in case you can’t fulfill your duty and that way you’ll have a backup!”

Rufus: *seriously* “Good idea. Who should I pick?”

Lark: “I wasn’t serious.”

Sephiroth: “I pick Twilight!”

Twilight: “All right! You picked good!” *they high five*

Rufus: “I must think this over carefully…”

Lark: “Rufus, I wasn’t serious.”

Rufus: “I’ll have to meet with my campaign staff first before deciding.” *claps his hands and the turks and reeve not too happily get to their feet* “Let’s go.”

(they leave, the turks lagging behind)

Sephiroth: “Oh *yeah*?! Well I’ll have a *better* campaign!” *looks at twilight then at vincent* “You two will have to do. Let’s go.” *he stomps out of the room*

Twilight: “This’ll be the first thing I ever won!”

(he, vincent and opal follow)

Lark: *jaw drops* “I can’t believe they’re actually going through with this.”

Shell: “What’s not to believe? They’re power hungry freaks! They’re going to kill one another for this puny little position!” *grins* “Should be interesting…”

Barret: “Yo! What if we don’t like either of them freaks! Where’s the third party?!”

(nida comes in suddenly)

Nida: “Hey, guys! I couldn’t help but hear you’re having an election! I’ll run! I drive Garden!”

Lark: “Ew.”

Nida: “So can I? Huh?”

Lark: *grimaces* “Ugh… Fine. You’ll be the third party candidate. And…uh…you can vote, but none of your little friends can.”

Nida: “Everyone’ll vote for me! I drive the Garden!” *runs out*

Barret: “Yo! I don’t wanna vote for him neither!”

Squall: *mutters* “If he wins there’s going to be an assassination.”

Lark: “I can’t believe this is happening. I’m going to go lie down for awhile.”

(she leaves)

Zell: “I don’t like Sephiroth *or* Rufus. Who should I vote for, Squall?”

Squall: *shrugs* “Whatever.” *darkly* “As long as you don’t vote for Nida.”


(the next day…. the hallway to the ramble room is lined with posters. rufus’ are all huge and brightly painted saying things like ‘Rufus Shinra–a man you can trust’, ‘Rufus Shinra–man of the people’, ‘Sephiroth is a Freak–vote Rufus Shinra’, and ‘Rufus Shinra–he’d vote for you’. Sephiroth’s posters are pieces of crap written on loose-leaf paper with the words spelled wrong. sephiroth is spelled ceferoth. there are few that are done on white paper in red ink that say ‘Sephiroth Rocks, vote for him’ and ‘Rufus is a jerk–vote Sephiroth’. there are no nida posters, cause lark is ripping them off the walls)

Lark: *ripping down another ‘nida–he’s cool *and* he drives the garden’ poster* “I said he could run. I didn’t mean he should take it seriously.”

Nida: *coming in* “Hey! My posters! I worked hard on those!”

Lark: “Get outta here, scumbag freak! No one said just cause you were running you could hang out here! Go eat kelp and play tiddly winks with your freaky friends!”

Nida: “They’re nice people!”

Lark: “No they’re not!”

Nida: “……Shut up! You stink!” *sticks out his tongue and goes off*

(the turks drag themselves into the hallway covered in paint)

Tseng: “Help.”

Reno: *woozy* “I think I’m getting high off the paint fumes…”

Elena: “Rufus is having us make his posters.”

Tseng: “His slogans suck.”

Rude: “…………….”

Lark: “Well you’re doing better than Sephiroth.” *points to a poster that says ceferoth is kool. wulfus smels*

Tseng: “Whoever did that can’t even spell.”

Lark: *sighs* “Twilight. He’s not literate.”

Reno: “Whoa! Did you see those pink elephants go by in the hot air balloons and bicycles?”

Rude: *inches away from him*

Elena: “Rufus is getting scary about this…”

Tseng: “We don’t want him to win.”

Lark: “Aw, come on. It’s just to lock the ramble room!”

Rude: “Hm. And Shinra started out as a weapons manufacturer.”

Lark: “It’ll be fine, guys.”

Rufus’s voice: *yells* “TURKS! GET YOUR SORRY, LAZY BEHINDS IN HERE!”

Lark: *sweat drops* “Eh heh. I promise.”

Tseng: “Yeah.” *trudges away*

Rude: “Right.”

Reno: “Whoa, man! Purple hot dogs and yellow polka dotted cats driving old crank up cars!”

Elena:  *dragging him along* “You need some air, Reno.”

(they leave)

Lark: *shakes head and goes back to ripping down nida posters*

(sephiroth comes down the hall with twilight)

Twilight: “See! Look all these posters I put up! We’ll win for sure!”

Sephiroth: *reading one* “Twilight, this is terrible! You spelled my name wrong! You spelled *your* name wrong! You also misspelled ‘the’ and spelled Rufus with an L and a W. The only word you got right was ‘is’!”

Twilight: *smiles* “Took me four months, but I got ‘is’ down.”

Sephiroth: “This is terrible! They’re going to think a bunch of two year olds are running my campaign!”

Twilight: “Hey, I never went to school!” *points to a poster* “And that looks like Rufus to me.”

Sephiroth: “Look at Rufus’ posters! They have color! And correct spelling!”

Twilight: *mutters* “Show offs.”

Sephiroth: “I think I’ll have Vincent do the posters. You can work on something else.”

Twilight: “I can vandalize.”

Sephiroth: “I was thinking more along the lines of getting some money for our campaign. Rufus is rich. I know I’m not. Are you?”

Twilight: “Hells no!”

Sephiroth: “That’s something we need to discuss…”

(he and twilight leave)

Lark: “…This is getting a bit scary…”


(later…the turks and reeve are sitting on the couch in the room rufus is using as his campaign headquarters. rufus is pacing before them…)

Rufus: “Now… As you know, I have yet to pick a running mate. Now before I announce who it is, let me say that this was not an easy choice. You all suck. But, I had to pick one of you. Reno?”

Reno: “Huh?”

Rufus: “I didn’t pick you because you’re a drunk and the opponents could dig up a whole bunch of crap on you.”

Reno: “I would hope so!”

Rufus: “Elena, I didn’t pick you because the guys would never vote for you.”

Elena: “Why not?!”

Rufus: “Tseng and Reeve, you’re out for obvious reasons.”

(tseng takes his hand off reeve’s leg)

Rufus: “That leaves Rude.” *puts his hand on rude’s shoulder* “I put a lot of thought into this, and I finally decided that there is absolutely nothing bad that can be dug up about Rude. So he’s my running mate.”

Rude: “You tried to kill me once.”

Rufus: “Glad to hear you accept, Rude.” *smiles* “Now I know all you Turks will vote for me because one of your own is on my ticket.”

Turks: *sweat drops*

Rufus: “Now, let’s discuss more business. Reeve? Where’s that mansion I asked you to build me?”

Reeve: *sighs and goes to the back to get it*

Tseng: “Mansion?!”

Rufus: “Yes. The mansion I’ll move into after I win the election.”

Tseng: “What if Sephiroth wins?”

Rufus: “He won’t.”

(reeve comes back with a little mansion built of different colored legos)

Reeve: “Here you are, sir.”

Rufus: *takes it and studies it* “Hmm… Not bad, not bad… Two floors, 3 bedrooms and two baths…” *stops and frowns* “What is this?” *reaches in and takes out a little lego kitty*

Reeve: “It’s an…um…cat, sir.”

Rufus: “A cat?! Did I say you could put a cat in my house?!”

Reeve: “Um, no. I just thought it was cute.”

Rufus: “Cute! I don’t do cute!” *shoves the house back into reeve’s hands with an annoyed sigh* “Do it over.”

Reeve: “Why don’t you just take the cat out?”

Rufus: “DO IT OVER!”

Reeve: *gulp* “Okay.”

Rufus: *smiles pleasantly* “Now, to beat Sephiroth we need two things: a poster bashing Sephiroth big time, and a list of things I’ll do in office. Also, we need a commercial. You guys will be the stars.”

Reno: “All right! I’ve always wanted to be in a commercial!” *gets up and clears his throat* “Bud!” *hits rude* “You be ‘wise’.”

Elena: *smacks him* “Baka! We’re not doing a beer commercial!”

Reno: “We’re not?”

Rufus: “Have you heard a *thing* I’ve said, Reno?”

Reno: “Um… Something about cats, beer and naked chicks, right?”

Rufus: *hand to his head* “Oh boy…”


(the next day…there are more posters up. one is a big list of things and the other is another list. lark is walking through the halls with irvine and shell)

Irvine: *reading the first poster* “If Rufus wins he will post the Turks to watch the ramble room 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.” *chuckles* “I bet the Turks love that idea.”

Shell: *reads the other poster* “If Rufus gets elected, he will work hard to make the ramble room a better place. If Sephiroth wins….he will kill you.” *blinks* “Wow. He’s listed everyone Sephiroth’s killed.”

Irvine: “Zell’s on there 5 times!”

Lark: “This is getting nasty now.” *frowns* “I don’t like it.”

(twilight comes up with a big piece of paper and he tapes it on the wall next to the seph kill poster and leaves)

Shell: *reads it* “The Sephiroth campaign would like to point out that all those people are now alive once again.” *laughs* “Come on! This isn’t mean! It’s damn funny!”

Sephiroth’s voice: *coming from the tv room* “Omg! Look at this!!”

(lark, irvine and shell run into the tv room to see what he’s yelling about. on the tv is the turks and reeve, all smiling fakely)

TV announcer: “What do you have to say about your boss, Rufus Shinra?”

Reno: *smiling fakely* “He’s the best boss ever! I love Rufus!”

Rude: “I am pleased to be the running mate to the wonderful Rufus Shinra.”

Elena: “Rufus is kind. And he’s handsome too!”

Reeve: “Rufus would never yell or shout. And he’s always willing to listen to everyone’s opinions.”

Tseng: “Rufus is a je–” *sound of gun clicking* “um, I meant to say Rufus is the best choice for Ramble Room locker.”

(shot of all the turks and reeve smiling fakely again)

Turks and Reeve: “Rufus Shinra, if you were running, he’d vote for you.” *all give thumbs up sign*

TV announcer: *softly* “Paid for by the friends of Rufus Shinra.”

Sephiroth: *jaw drops* “They have *commercials* now?!”

Twilight: “We could do that! And with people who smile for real!”

Sephiroth: “Let’s go, Twilight! We have a commercial to film!”

(they leave)

Shell: *laughing* “If those weren’t the fakest smiles I ever saw…”

Irvine: “I don’t care how much of a jerk people think Rufus is. I’m voting for him anyway. Sephiroth’s mean. I don’t like him.”

Lark: *crosses arms* “I don’t like the way this election is going. I’m holding a protest. Who’s with me?”

(silence)

Lark: “….Fine. I’ll do it myself.”

(stomps out)

Shell: “Let’s watch and see if any more lame commercials are on!”

Irvine: “I’ll make popcorn!”


(the next day. a tv has been put in the ramble room, and shell, squall, zell, seifer, Ashley and Noelle are crowded around it. lark has chained herself to the door with some handcuffs)

Irvine: *coming in with popcorn* “Hi, Lark.” *notices the handcuffs* “You know, I know a better place to handcuff you.” *wink*

Lark: “This is serious, Irvine. I’m protesting this election.”

Irvine: *shrugs* “Fine. But you’re missing some amusing commercials.”

Noelle: “Shush! One’s coming on!”

TV Announcer: “Rufus Shinra may want you to think his employees love him, but they really don’t.”

(someone is shown in black face. as soon as he speaks it’s obvious it’s reno)

Reno: “Yo, Rufus is freak. I wouldn’t vote for him if he wasn’t forcing me to.” *pause* “Now where’s the booze you promised me?”

(now it’s reeve in black face)

Reeve: “I built him a house just like he wanted, and he made me redo it over because of one stupid thing!” *whispers* “And just between you and me, I would keep him away from cats.”

(rude in black face)

Rude: “He tried to kill me.”

Voice prodding softly in the background: “Yeah, and…??”

Rude: “He tried to kill me. Isn’t that bad enough?”

(elena in black face)

Elena: “Once he gets control of the ramble room, it won’t be long before he takes over the world.”

(tseng in black face)

Tseng: “I wouldn’t wish Rufus to be in charge of anything.”

Tv Announcer: “Is that the kind of freak you want running your ramble room?”

(shows smiling picture of sephiroth)

Tv Announcer: “Vote Sephiroth.”

Ashley: “Man… When Rufus sees that he’s not going to be happy.”

Seifer: “The Turks are going to get their asses kicked!”

Irvine: “Look, there’s a Rufus commercial!”

TV Announcer: “Look at all the things Rufus has done for the ramble room.”

(the tv room is shown. then the porch swing outside. then a phone bill with a paid stamp on it. then the tv room again)

Zell: “Hey, they already showed that!”

TV Announcer: “Now here’s what Sephiroth has done.”

(a hole in the wall where the masamune has obviously been. more broken stuff lying around. even more broken stuff. zell dead)

Squall: *chuckles*

Zell: “That’s not funny, Squall!”

TV Announcer: “Would you want someone who did things like *this* running your ramble room?”

(dead picture of zell shown again)

Zell: “Not again!”

TV Announcer: “Vote Rufus Shinra–he’ll keep on making a difference.” *softly* “Paid for by the friends of Rufus Shinra.”

Zell: “Where did they get that picture?”

Seifer: “And since when did Rufus get any friends?” *looks at irvine*

Irvine: *chuckles* “Don’t look at me, I’m just a fan.”


(meanwhile…at rufus campaign headquarters, the turks and reeve are gathered around watching tv…and they look pretty nervous…)

Reeve: “I hope Rufus doesn’t see that commercial.”

Reno: “Was it just me, or did my face look kinda dark?”

Elena: “You’re an idiot!”

Tseng: “Look, it’s another Sephiroth commercial. Quiet.”

TV Announcer: “The following pictures may shock you, but these are real people who work for Rufus Shinra.”

Reeve: “*What*?!”

(picture of reno falling on the floor drunk)

Reno: “I look much better there than I did in that other commercial.”

(picture of elena picking something out of her teeth)

Elena: “Aw, dammit! Figures!”

(picture of reeve and tseng cuddling)

Reno: “All right! I knew those pictures would go to good use!!”

Elena: “You sold Sephiroth some of your pictures?”

Reno: “Sold?” *laughs* “I just gave it to him for a beer.” *sigh* “And that was a damn good beer…”

Tseng: “Reno! How could you!?”

(picture of rude just standing there)

TV Announcer: “That’s Rufus’ running mate. Doesn’t he look scary?”

Turks and Reeve: *staring at the screen* “No.”

TV Announcer: “Rufus Shinra–he can’t even hire normal people. So what makes you think he can run something?” *softly* “Paid for by Sephiroth’s pocket change.”

Elena: “I don’t believe it! We helped him!”

Reeve: “And Reno helped *them*!” *glares*

Reno: “I told you it was a good beer!”

Reeve: “Well that’s it. No more helping Sephiroth. No matter how much we hate Rufus.”

Rufus: *comes in grinning* “Hey, everyone! Was our new commercial on? Did you all look *happy*?”

Turks and Reeve: “……………………………………” *glare at the tv*

Rufus: “What’s *your* problem?”


(the next day…there are a bunch of people in the ramble room, including sephiroth. lark’s still chained to the door)

Sephiroth: “Do you realize how ridiculous you look, Lark?”

Lark: “I don’t care. I’m getting my point across.”

Shell: “You’re really not.”

Lark: “Shut up!”

Zell: *getting to his feet* “Wait, shut up. Hear that?”

(everyone listens and they faintly hearing marching and singing)

Irvine: “I bet Rufus is doing something cool.”

Ashley: “Let’s go check it out!”

(everyone leaves the room except sephiroth and lark)

Sephiroth: *calling* “Oh yeah! Well I could do something cool too!” *pouts*

Lark: *sigh*

Sephiroth: “Come on, Lark! Say you’ll vote for me! If you’ll vote for me, most of the other jerks will follow!”

Lark: “I’m not voting. I’m protesting.”

Sephiroth: *mutters* “Stupid woman.”

(meanwhile…outside…)

Shinra Soliders: *marching and singing* “We….love Rufus Shinra! Rufus Shinra…..he’s our man! With our head held high and our flags flying high–Rufus Shinra’s–the man!”

Noelle: “Wow! A parade!”

Irvine: “Rufus really pulled out all the stops this time.”

(rufus is smiling and waving from a red convertible)

Seifer: “You’d think he was running for freakin’ President of Galbadia with all this crap!”

Zell: “He’s just a show off! A *stupid* show off!”

Squall: *rolls eyes* “Good one, Zell.”

Shell: “I think this election is the best thing to ever happen to this boring ramble room. I’m entertained!”

Ashley: “Hey, look! Rufus is sponsering a carnival after the parade!”

Everyone: “Whoo hoo!” *runs to the carnival*


(meanwhile…back in the ramble room)

Lark: *leaning against the wall* *sigh*

Sephiroth: *laying on the couch* “You know, Lark, I could think of a better place to chain you.” *grins*

Lark: “Oh don’t you start. I’ve heard all you guys sick jokes a million times.”

(twilight comes running in with a balloon)

Twilight: “Sephiroth! Sephiroth! Rufus is having a carnival trying to get people to vote for him and he has puppies and ice cream and lookit! Balloons!” *points to his balloons*

Sephiroth: “Damn his rich suck up ass!” *frowns*

Twilight: “The puppies are cute!” *pause* “You know…if you like puppies.”

Sephiroth: *mutters* “There must be a way to stop him…”

Twilight: “And I got a black balloon!”

Sephiroth: *evil smile* “Twilight, I think I just got an idea that will ruin pretty little Shinra’s campaign.”

(sephiroth pops twilight’s balloon with evil laughter)

Twilight: “Aw, Sephiroth! I waited in line for fifteen minutes for that!!”


(later…sephiroth is meeting with his campaign team of twilight, vincent and opal)

Sephiroth: *pacing* “Okay, I don’t know how many of you went to Rufus’ little show off spactacular–“

Opal: “He had puppies!”

Sephiroth: *stops pacing to glare at her* “I am aware of the animals. The point is he’s a jerk, and he’s just trying to show everyone he’s a softie, which he’s not. The difference between his campaign and ours isn’t that he actually cares–it’s because he has money, and we’re flat broke.” *points to vincent* “Vincent, what are our current funds?”

Vincent: *pulls out a wipe and write board that has zero written in red marker and underlined a few times. there are a few drawings of angels around the edges of the page and a few ‘i love sephiroth”s* “I think it speaks for itself.”

Sephiroth: “We need money! I open the floor for ideas.”

Twilight: “Stealing.”

Opal: “Twilight!”

Twilight: “Robbing.”

Opal: “Twilight, that’s the same thing.”

Twilight: *mutters* “Damn your smartness.”

Sephiroth: “I’m afraid I agree with the girl, Twilight. No one is going to want to vote for me after I ROB THEM.”

Twilight: “Then why not go out in the street and dance for coins?” *laughs* “You could be lord of the dance!”

Sephiroth: *glaring* “Or maybe you could dress back up as that clown and go entertain small children at birthday parties!”

Twilight: *stops laughing* “That’s scary.”

Opal: “Um, Mr. dark Sephiroth, sir, why not ask your supporters for money? That’s what real politicans do, isn’t it?”

Sephiroth: *smiles slowly* “I like your girlfriend, Twilight.”

Twilight: *hugging opal* “She’s mine!”

Sephiroth: *snaps at him* “Not like that! I like her thinking, you fool! We’ll ask the people who intend to vote for us for their money!”

Vincent: “…That’s assuming there’s anyone who actually wants to vote for you, my angel.”

Sephiroth: *frowns* “There must be… Someone…”

Twilight: “What about Shell? I thought I heard her saying she’s gonna vote for you.”

Opal: “But isn’t her boyfriend Rufus’ running mate?”

Twilight: “And that would make her vote for him because….??”

Sephiroth: “But Shell doesn’t have any money either.”

Twilight: “So she’ll mooch off Rude.”

Sephiroth: “Are you telling me that you want to ask Shell to mooch off our opponents running mate for money for *our* campaign?”

Twilight: “Yes and yes.”

Sephiroth: *evil smile* “I love it!”


(the next day….the same group is huddled around the tv in the ramble room waiting for their favorite commercials. lark’s still chained to the door, but she’s looking kind of tired and is on her knees leaning against the door )

Squall: *passing her casually to come into the room* “Hey, Lark.”

Lark: *sigh* “Hey.”

Zell: “Hey, Lark? What happens when you have to go to the bathroom?”

Seifer: “Shut up, dumb ass!” *hits zell upside the head*

Zell: “Ow!” *rubs the back of his head* “Seifer!”

Shell: “Ooh! Another commercial!!”

(a really bad picture of rufus is shown)

TV Announcer: “Rufus Shinra. He may act all cute with his puppies and other vomit inducing crap. But do you know the *real* Rufus Shinra?”

(a picture of rufus obviously yelling and looking like he wants to kill one of the gundam wing boys is shown)

TV Announcer: “The real Rufus is friends with those Gundam Wing jerks we all hate.”

Irvine: “No he’s not.”

Ashley: “And we don’t all hate them!”

(a picture of rufus selling reno is shown)

TV Announcer: “If you vote for Rufus, he will sell you, just like this poor drunk off the street.”

Noelle: “That’s not a drunk off the street! That’s Reno!”

(picture of rufus with the lemonade)

TV Announcer: “Rufus Shinra sold lemonade with a drug in it. That’s right. Rufus….is a drug dealer.”

Irvine: *laughing* “Oh man! This is *so* bad!”

TV Announcer: “Rufus Shinra. Unless you like freaky drug dealers, he’s not the candidate for you. Vote Sephiroth. He’s normal.” *softly* “Paid for by Shell courtesy of Rude.”

Everyone: *looks at shell*

Shell: “It was a different Shell. Not me. Really.”

Seifer: “Look! Another commercial!”

(a smiling rufus is shown)

Rufus: “Hello, everyone. As you have probably seen over the last several days, my opponent and I have been running commericals against one another. The truth is, my opponent has been paying for those commericals with money begged off you, the voters. I, on the other hand, have *not* been doing that. Why?”

(the turks unhappily roll in wheelbarrows full of money and dump in all around rufus)

Rufus: “Because I don’t need your money. I’m rich as hell!” *laughs and picks up a pile of bills to kiss it*

Voiceover: “Rufus Shinra. He doesn’t need your money.” *softly* “Paid for by friends of Rufus Shinra.”

Seifer: “Who are these friends he keeps talkin’ about?”

Zell: *mutters* “Rich bastard.”


(meanwhile…at the sephiroth headquarters…)

Sephiroth: “All right, I was going over the numbers, and our last commercial didn’t go over well.”

Twilight: “But I wrote that script in 5 minutes!”

Sephiroth: “Everyone thought it was stupid. It looks as though I’m going to have to think up a commercial on my own.”

Twilight: “What about me?”

Sephiroth: “Why don’t you make some phamphlets we can hand out to people saying how great I am? Get Opal to help you with the spelling.”

Twilight: *salutes* “Kick ass! Come on, Opal.” *grabs her hand and runs out*

(sephiroth sighs and sits down on the couch next to vincent. vincent has his little wipe and write board and is writing ‘i love sephiroth’ in a heart)

Sephiroth: *sigh* “I wish all the voters were more like you, Vincent.”

Vincent: *looks up* “Something you wish to talk about, my angel?”

Sephiroth: *sighs again* “What is there I can use against Rufus? You know, to bring him down to my level.”

Vincent: *shrugs* “I thought it was a little strange that he says his commercials were paid for by the ‘friends of Rufus Shinra’ when he obviously paid for them with his own money.”

Sephiroth: *face lights up* “That’s it!” *turns to vincent* “Vincent! I could kiss you!”

Vincent: “I’d like it if you would.”

Sephiroth: *kisses him* “Now! Off to write my new commercial!” *runs out*

Vincent: *smiles*


(the next morning….everyone in the ramble room is reading the papers twilight just handed out to them…)

Irvine: “Is this for real?”

Shell: “Unfortunatly.”

Noelle: “The only word that seems to be spelled right is ‘is’.”

Zell: “Even I could spell better!”

Squall: “And Sephiroth’s campaigin takes a new low.”

Ashley: “Wait, guys, it’s another Sephiroth commercial!”

(there’s just a black screen)

TV Annoucer: “You might have noticed that at the end of his commercials, Rufus Shinra says his commericals have been paid for by his friends.”

Seifer: *jumping up and down* “I noticed! I noticed!”

TV Announcer: “That’s a downright lie. Rufus’ commericals have not been paid for by his friends. They were paid for by his own money. And you want to know why?”

Zell: “Why?”

TV Announcer: *darkly* “Cause Rufus doesn’t have any friends.”

Everyone: *gasp*

TV Announcer: “When it comes time to vote, vote Sephiroth. He doesn’t have any friends either, but at least he isn’t lying about it.”

Seifer: “Shockingly true…” *shrugs* “But they’re still both jerks.”

Lark: *still chained to the door* “What?! What happened?!”

Shell: “Sephiroth said in his commercial that Rufus doesn’t have any friends.”

Lark: “Yes he does! I’m his friend!”

Squall: “Well, that commercial makes up for this trash.” *crumples up the phamplet*


(meanwhile…back at sephiroth headquarters…sephiroth is not too happily reading the phamplet)

Sephiroth: “Twilight! You screwed me again! *Again* you spelled my name wrong, and you’re still spelling Rufus with a W!” *paces* “Everything on here is spelled wrong except ‘is’ and your name.”

Twilight: *grins* *proudly* “I learned how to spell it.”

Sephiroth: “Didn’t I tell you to get Opal to help you?!”

Twilight: “She was watching Message In A Bottle!”

Sephiroth: “This is what you wrote: Ceferoth rox nd Twilight doess two. Wulfus sucs. Yuu shood votte four Ceferoth nd Twilight. Theey is tha besttest.” *gives him a look* “Does that sound right to you?”

Twilight: “Every time you said ‘Twilight’ it did.”

Sephiroth: “I’m going to teach you how to spell my name right.” *grabs vincent’s wipe and write board which of course still has drawings of angels all over it and ‘i love sephiroth’ written all over it in and out of hearts* “I can’t erase this! It’s a work of art!” *hands it back to vincent* “My name starts with an ‘S’, Twilight. An ‘S’. Not a C.”

Twilight: “I’ll get it right next time!”


(meanwhile…rufus is crying on the couch in his headquarters. the turks and reeve are huddled in the doorway whispering)

Elena: “Why’s he crying?”

Reno: “Who cares?” *drinks from his flask*

Reeve: “Do you think he saw Sephiroth’s commercial?”

Reno: *loudly* “You mean the one about how he has no friends?”

Rufus: *sobs louder*

Elena: *hits reno* “Reno!”

Reno: “Ow! That’s a tender area!”

Tseng: “Do you think we should…uh…say something?”

Reno: “But he really doesn’t have any friends.”

Rufus: *sobs even louder*

Elena: “Reno!” *hits him*

Reno: “Ow! Elena! I’m not going to be able to have children!”

Rude: *mutters* “………..Good.”

Rufus: *dries his eyes and gets up* “We’re filiming a new commercial! Get the camera!” *eyes narrow* “This means war.”


(the next day in the ramble room…lark’s still chained up, but she’s sitting on the floor looking tired)

Irvine: *coming in* “Hey, Lark.”

Lark: *lifelessly* “Hey.”

Shell: “You’re just in time, Irvine!”

Ashley: “Yeah, the commericals just started.”

Lark: *mutters* “Pathetic.”

Zell: “Shut up! Look, there’s a new one.”

TV Announcer: “When you’re in the booth this coming election day…. Remember this…”

(show smiling picture of rufus shinra)

TV Announcer: “Rufus tried to stop Sephiroth.”

(show sephiroth looking really evil)

TV Announcer: *darkly* “And Sephiroth tried to destroy the planet. If he wanted to destroy something as big as the planet, imagine what he would do to the ramble room.” *softly* “Paid for by Rufus Shinra.”

Everyone: “……………………….”

Noelle: “That was really mean.”

Ashley: “This is getting kind of out of hand…”

Lark: “Ah *ha*! I told you so!”

Shell: “Isn’t it great?!” *they all high five*

Lark: *defeated sigh*

Seifer: “Look! Another one!!”

Everyone: *looks at the tv*

Twilight: *with a mic in hand* “I’m going around to the ramble people, asking them what they think of my man, Sephiroth. Oh look. There’s Shell! Hey, Shell, do you like Sephiroth?”

Shell: “I—“

(the camera turns away from her and focuses back on twilight)

Twilight: “That was a glowing review! Now let’s talk to Squall!”

Squall: *goes to talk*

(camera turns away)

Twilight: “Whoa! Another one! Look, there’s Lark! Hi, Lark!”

Lark: “Twilight, what are you–“

(camera turns away)

Twilight: “Whoa! She had a lot of great things to say about him! Now let’s ask Reno!”

Reno: “F*ck you, Twilight!”

Twilight: *sweat drops* “He was drunk. Anyway, in short–“

(rufus is coming up in the background)

Rufus: “Hey, is that my camera?”

Opal’s voice: “Oh dear… Twilight… You didn’t say this was stolen.”

Twilight: *coming to cover the camera lens* “It’s not. Sephiroth rocks!”

(static)

Squall: “And the Sephiroth campaigin falls to another new low.”


(meanwhile…back at shinra campaigin headquarters….the turks and reeve are in the kitchen making cupcakes. they all have aprons on)

Reno: “I still *insist* that we add booze to the batter!”

Elena: *weilding a rolling pin* “Don’t even think about it, Reno!”

Rude: *studying the cupcakes* “Hm. Needs more sprinkles.”

Reeve: *pouts* “I got frosting all over my fingers.”

Tseng: *grabs reeve’s hand* “I’ll take care of that.” *starts licking the frosting off*

Reeve: *laughs* “That tickles!”

Reno, Rude and Elena: *give them weird looks*

Tseng and Reeve: *freeze*

Tseng: *around reeve’s fingers in his mouth* “What are you looking at?”

Reno, Rude and Elena: *look away embarassed* “Nothing.”

(rufus comes in looking upset)

Rufus: “What’s going on? Are you done yet? Reno, put that booze away. Elena, put that rolling pin down. Tseng, get Reeve’s fingers out of your mouth. Rude…” *looks at rude who just blinks* “Well, Rude, that’s why you’re my running mate.”

Elena: “We wrote ‘vote for Rufus’ on each and every cupcake, just like you ordered us to so nicely, President Rufus.” *smiles*

Reno: “Was that nice part before or after he threatened us with bodily harm if we didn’t?”

Rufus: *comes over the smells the cupcakes* “Hmm… Not bad… Not bad… You didn’t put any of that addicting stuff in there, did you?”

Reno: “No…. Did you need us to?”

Rufus: “NO! Are you nuts, are you crazy?! That could ruin my career!”

Tseng: “What career?”

Rufus: “Shut up, Tseng! Maybe you better put Reeve’s fingers back in your mouth!”

Tseng: *shrugs and goes to take reeve’s hand*

Rufus: “I was kidding! Argh!”

Elena: “So what’s next, boss? Another commercial?”

Reeve: “I have to charge the camera battery.”

Rufus: *evil grin* “I’ve been digging up some dirt on that Twilight character. He’s a real freak. Our next mission is to bash him good.”

Rude: “Wouldn’t it be better to run a positive campaigin focusing on making yourself look good and forgetting your opponents?”

Rufus: *snorts* “Yeah, like that ever works. Let’s get to work!”


(the next day…sephiroth and his campaign staff are sitting around in his headquarters. twilight is taking up a whole couch, which leaves sephiroth, vincent and opal on the other. vincent is still writing on the wipe and write board, because he apparently has nothing else to do.)

Opal: *looks over at what vincent’s writing* “Aw! That’s so sweet!”

Sephiroth: “Shush! Look, another one of Rufus’ ass lancing commercials.”

TV Annoucer: “By now you probably all know that Sephiroth is pure evil. But what do you know about his running mate, Twilight X-y-sia?” *pause* “He’s pure evil too.”

Twilight: “They totally pronounced my last name wrong! It’s pronounced Z-she-a! Morons!”

Opal: “Twilight, they called you pure evil.”

Twilight: “Can’t argue with the truth.”

TV Announcer: “Twilight is wanted in over 300 hundred systems, and has been known to burn down entire towns without a care.”

Twilight: “Hey! How did they know about that?!”

Opal: “Twilight, you told them at least eight times. And you drew them a picture!”

TV Announcer: “And to make it worse, Twilight is friends with Nida, a reject that no one likes.”

(show smiling picture of nida)

Twilight: *hides behind the couch* “Ugh! Now that’s just *wrong*!”

TV Annoucer: “Twilight X-y-sia is a freak. So is Sephiroth. Vote Rufus/Rude.”

Twilight: “That Nida thing was out of line! We are not friends!”

Opal: “I don’t think people are going to like that stuff about burning villages and stuff, Twilight.”

Twilight: *shrugs* “If they don’t like it they can kiss my ass!”

Sephiroth: “This commercial requires a reply. Let’s go! Twilight, get the camera.”

Twilight: “You mean Rufus’ camera?”

Sephiroth: “…..Yeah.”


(later…in the ramble room…)

Seifer: *walking in* “Hey, Lark. How’s the protest?”

Lark: *still on the floor pouting* “Sucks.”

Noelle: “I heard *Nida* filmed a commercial. It’ll probably air today.”

Ashley: “Ew! Now *this* I gotta see!”

Shell: “Speak of the devil…” *points to the screen*

(a smiling nida is walking towards the camera)

Nida: “You have probably seen the commercials put out by my opponents. Those negative ads, that do nothing but horribly bash one another. To me, that’s just bad. So I’ve decided to run a positive compaigin, highlighting the wonder that is Nida.”

Heidegger’s voice: *off camera* “Gya haa haa!”

Nida: *turns his head* “Shut the hell up, jackass!” *turns back front and smiles* “Let’s see what all these voters have to say about me, Nida the great!”

(twilight is shown trying to run away)

Twilight: “Didn’t I say to leave me alone, jackass?! I hate you!”

(lark, chained to the door, is shown)

Lark: “Ugh! Get out of here, freak! Go crawl in a ditch and die! Or drive the Garden off a cliff for all I care.”

(squall is shown glaring)

Squall: “Die! Die a painful death!”

(scarlet is shown)

Scarlet: “You’re a lousy date. And you’re cheap too.”

Nida’s voice: *off camera* “Well you’re a whore!”

(there is nothing but a wall shown)

Hojo’s voice: “Someone else has to hold the camera if I’m going to say something.”

Nida’s voice: “Eh, I’m too lazy to get up.”

Hojo’s voice: “Lazy bastard.”

(nida is shown smiling again)

Nida: “So as you can see, I’m the best choice for your vote. I’m Nida, pilot of the garden, family man, and your best choice for ramble room locker. I won’t try and take it over or anything.”

(a picture is shown of nida in a suit with his arm around a well dressed scarlet. heidegger, with a cane and pipe, is sitting in a chair besides them, and hojo, with shoes on his knees and a backwards baseball cap, is kneeling next to scarlet)

Squall: “What the hell is that?! That’s supposed to be his family?!”

Lark: “Have that commercial banned! I never want to see that again!”

Noelle: *laughing* “That was the best one yet!”

Zell: “Yo! Look! It’s another ‘Roth commercial!”

(sephy is shown against a black background)

Sephiroth: You may have heard our opponents run a commercial bashing my running mate, Twilight XyXia. But would you trust an ad where they couldn’t even pronounce the subject’s name right?”

(a smiling picture of twilight is shown)

Sephiroth’s voice: “The truth is, Twilight is not bad. In fact, he hasn’t killed anyone in a few years, and hasn’t burned a town in even longer. Also, Twilight is in no way, shape or form friends with Nida.”

(a picture of twilight strangling nida is shown)

Sephiroth: “Not that Twilight would ever kill Nida, because he is over that stage in his life. Vote Sephiroth/Twilight. And don’t trust commercials that can’t pronounce the candidate’s name right to have their facts straight.”

Irvine: “He has a point. But I’m still voting for Rufus.”

Shell: “I wanna see what Rufus counters this with.”


(meanwhile…at rufus headquarters…)

Rufus: *pacing* “Why didn’t anyone *tell* me that wasn’t the way to pronounce his name?!”

Reno: “How were we supposed to know? It’s a bunch of weird ass letters put together! He probably picked it out of a hat for all we know!”

Rufus: *sigh* “How did the cupcakes go?”

Reeve: “Zell ate most of them.”

Rufus: “Zell!” *annoyed sigh* “Well is he going to vote for me?”

Reeve: *shrugs* “But I know he wants Rude’s cupcake recipe.”

Rufus: “Recipe!? That’s it! We’re filming another commercial! Get the camera.”

Reeve: “Twilight stole it.”

Rufus: “Then buy me a new one!” *stomps out*

Tseng: “If we beat him over the head and shove him in a closet, I don’t think anyone would ever know.”

Everyone: *turns to him and blinks*

Tseng: *shrugs* “Just a suggestion.”


(later…at seph headquarters…)

Sephiroth: “I think our new commercial went well. Now we just sit back and wait for our opponent to attack us right back.” *sits back on the couch with a sigh*

Vincent: *frowns* “Angel.”

Sephiroth: “What is it, Vincent?”

Vincent: *hands him the wipe and write board* “I’m out of room.”

Sephiroth: “Well, then–“

Twilight: *screeches* “A new commercial!” *points to tv*

TV Announcer: “You may think Twilight and Sephiroth are all big and tough. But how do you explain *this*?”

(shot of sephiroth, twilight and wufei paralyzed on the couch with hugabunch music in the background)

Sephiroth: “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!” *buries his head in vincent’s lap*

Twilight: *covering his ears* “Make it stop, make it stop, make it stop!”

TV Announcer: “Is that tough where you come from?” *softly* “Vote Rufus/Rude. They can kick some ass.”

Twilight: “What the hell was that?! How did they get that picture?!”

Sephiroth: *crying*

Vincent: *strokes sephiroth’s hair* “It’s all right, my angel. It’s over.”

Twilight: “This is *it*! That was pure evil! I say we have a commercial where we kill models of them in gory and gruesome ways!”

Opal: *scrunches up her nose* “Ew. Twilight!”

Sephiroth: *sits up* “I have an idea. Twilight, go to the store and get a hat, a mushtache, and a new wipe and write board for Vincent.” *eyes narrow* “We’re gonna make the best damn commercial ever!”


(the next day…we’re back in the ramble room again. lark is banging her head against the wall)

Zell: *walks in* “Sup, Lark?”

Lark: *keeps banging head*

Zell: “Sup, everyone?”

Everyone: “Sup, Zell!”

Noelle: “You know, I think this whole election is bringing us closer together.”

Lark: *keeps banging head*

Shell: “Yeah! Everyone except Sephiroth and Rufus.”

Irvine: *looks at lark* “And Lark.”

Squall: “Let’s see what kind of commercials we see today. Sephiroth’s due for a new one.”

Ashley: “Yeah, after that freaky Hugabunch one Rufus put out! I don’t wanna even know about that one!”

Shell: *sweat drops*

Seifer: “Shut up! Lookit!” *points to tv*

(twilight appears on screen wearing a mustache and a hat pulled low over his face. it’s still obviously him)

Shell: “What the hell is Twilight doing?”

Twilight: “Hello, everyone. Mr. Smith here, and Mr. Smith’s going to talk about how great Mr. Smith thinks Sephiroth is.”

Shell: “What the hell?! Who does he think he’s fooling?! He still has his lightsaber on his belt!”

Twilight: “Mr. Smith thinks Sephiroth is the best person for the job. Mr. Smith also thinks his running mate, Twilight, is the coolest guy ever.”

Squall: “Why does Mr. Smith keep referring to himself in the third person?”

Twilight: “Mr. Smith thinks both Twilight and Sephiroth totally rock. In fact, they both get the Mr. Smith thumbs up of approval.”

Irvine: “What the hell does that mean to me?! I don’t know Mr. Smith!”

Twilight: “In conclusion, Mr. Smith says vote for Sephiroth and Twilight or you’ll be sorry!”

Voice over: *softly* “Paid for by Mr. Smith.”

Shell: “But that was not a real Mr. Smith! That was Twilight!”

Ashley: *shakes head* “That was just sad.”

Zell: “Look! It’s a Rufus commercial!”

TV Announcer: “You know there are a lot of things wrong with Sephiroth and Twilight, but have you realized that they’re both….” *darkly* “Posessive monsters?”

Lark: “What?” *struggles to see*

TV Announcer: “I think this video footage speaks for itself.”

(twilight is shown waving his lightsaber as opal stands behind him)

Twilight: “She’s mine! Stay back!”

Opal: “Oh dear… That’s not nice, Twilight…”

(next rufus is shown hitting on lark and then the camera pans out and you can see sephiroth off to the side twitching convulsively. rufus goes to kiss lark, and then sephiroth stomps over, and grabs her by the wrist, pulling her away)

Sephiroth: “All right, jerk off. You’ve had enough.”

(freeze)

TV Announcer: “If he’s that posessive, what makes you think he’ll let you in the ramble room at all?” *pause* “Vote Rufus Shinra for Ramble Room Locker. He’ll let everyone in. And contrary to popular belief, he won’t charge either.”

Irvine: *blinks* “Wow. They really are posessive monsters, aren’t they.”

Shell: “I have to say that Rufus is definitely winning in the commercial department.”

Noelle: “Ooh! Look! It’s Nida!”

(nida is shown seated at a table with several wipe and write boards lying on it)

Nida: “Hello, everyone. Nida the great Garden pilot here to talk about my opponents.” *picks up a wipe and write board that has a poor stick figure of rufus on it, holding money and grinning* “This is Rufus Shinra.” *picks up another wipe and write board with a poor stick figure of sephiroth looking evil with the masamune* “This is Sephiroth. Does either of them look like they’ll be able to handle the job of being ramble room locker?”

Scarlet’s voice: *off camera* “Your drawings suck!”

Nida: *calls back* “Can it, hoebag!” *smiles* “Now, look at me.” *holds up the famous stick figure picture he drew of himself* “Look at that smile on my face. I’m ready to work for you. Erase Rufus and Sephiroth from your minds.” *looks around* “What the…” *looks around frantically* “Where the hell…” *growls* “Heidegger! Where’s my eraser?!”

Heidegger’s voice: *off camera* “Gya haa haa! I ate it!”

Nida: “You ate it?! You ate my eraser!?” *gets up knocking the table over* “You @$@^&$&#*#^ jerk!” *runs off screen*

Hojo’s voice: “Um…. Okay. I think I’ll end it. Vote for Nida!”

(static)

Squall: “Okay, his commercials suck more than Sephiroth’s.”


(the next day….irvine, shell and zell are walking down the hallway and they see a new banner has been put up that says ‘stupendous and tremendous! Vote Sephiroth and Twilight!’)

Irvine: “What the hell is that?”

Shell: “Is that their new slogan? It sucks.”

Zell: “Yo, at least it’s spelled right… I think…”

(sephiroth and twilight stumble in looking kind of bleary eyed)

Sephiroth: “Oh man, we should *not* have done that.”

Twilight: “I finally got you to admit you liked Lark though!”

Sephiroth: “Shut up!”

Shell: “You two look like crap.”

Twilight: “We had a long night.” *leans against the wall*

Irvine: “I noticed your new slogan.”

Shell: “Yeah, it sucks.”

Sephiroth: *runs a hand over his face* “It sounded good when we were drunk.”

Twilight: “Yeah, it sounded real good.”

Zell: “I could have thought of something better!”

(sephiroth and twilight look at one another)

Sephiroth and Twilight: “We should take it down.”


(a little while later…irvine, shell and zell walk into the ramble room where lark has passed out still chained to the door)

Zell: “Hey, Lark.”

Lark: “…………..”

Irvine: “Lark?”

Lark: “…………..”

Shell: “….I think she passed out.”

Irvine: “Passed out?!”

Shell: *shrugs* “Well she hasn’t eaten anything in days.”

Zell: *pokes her with his foot* “Is she alive?”

Shell: “‘Course she is!” *slaps lark* “Wake up!”

Lark: *comes to* “Huh?”

Shell: “I think you should eat something.”

Lark: “Oh… Yeah… Food… I kind of forgot about that.”

Zell: “You should have one of the Turk’s cupcakes! They were good!”

Lark: “The Turks baked cupcakes?”

Zell: “Yeah! I’ll go get ya one!” *runs out*

Lark: “How much longer is this gonna go on?”

Irvine: “Only a few more days. I think you should just give up the protest and vote, Lark.”

Lark: *pouts* “No. I refuse.”

(zell comes back with a cupcake)

Zell: “I got one!” *hands it to her*

Lark: “Thanks, hon.” *starts to eat it*

Zell: “You know, it’s kinda weird, but someone wrote on the wall outside. I think Twilight did it cause all the words are spelled wrong.”

Shell: “What?!” *dashes out*

(sure enough, on the wall right outside the ramble room are the words ‘Wulfus Sux nd Ceferoth is tha koollest’)

Shell: *sigh* “That was Twilight all right.”

Irvine: “Is he ever gonna learn how to spell Rufus? It’s not that hard.”

Lark’s voice: *calls* “Who wrote on my wall?!”

Shell: *calls back* “Twilight did!”

Lark’s voice: “Well clean it up!”

Shell: “But I didn’t do it!”

Lark’s voice: *snaps* “CLEAN IT UP!”

Shell: *mutters* “Should’ve left her unconcious.”


(later…irvine and shell are sitting in the tv room with the tv on looking exhausted)

Shell: “Where’s Zell?”

Irvine: “He mumbled something about cupcakes and went off.”

Shell: “….You know, Irvine, we’ve been spending a lot of time together lately.”

Irvine: “Yeah. You’re right.” *pause* “Wanna go out some time?”

Shell: “You just wanna get laid.”

Irvine: “So what?”

Shell: “…………I’ll think about it.”

Voice from the TV: “And now, breaking news.”

Shell: “Breaking news? We were watching the Sci-Fi channel!”

(a reporter in a hat who is obviously twilight stands holding a microphone)

Shell: “What’s he trying to pull now?”

Twilight: “I am at the scene of a daring rescue. It seems Sephiroth has just saved a local kitty from a tree! What a brave and selfless act! We go to the scene now and talk to Mr. Sephiroth.”

(camera pans out and you can see sephiroth holding red)

Irvine: “That’s Red! Not a cat!”

Shell: “For all we know he could be.”

Twilight: “Mr. Sephiroth, can you tell us what happened?”

Sephiroth: “I saw this poor defenseless kitty was stuck in the tree, so I climbed up there and rescued him.”

Red: “I am not defenseless. I helped to defeat you.”

(sephiroth claps a hand over red’s mouth)

Twilight: “Wow! What a tale! That’s a pretty high tree! You’re a brave guy! Everyone should bow down to you!”

Sephiroth: “I wouldn’t go that far, but everyone *should* vote for me, because I’m running for ramble room locker.”

Twilight: *faking shock* “Oh! You are?! I had no idea! I know I’ll vote for you!”

Shell: *snort*

Twilight: “Thank you for tuning in–“

Irvine: “We didn’t tune in!”

Twilight: “–now back to whatever the hell crap you were watching.”

(nothing happens)

Twilight: “Vincent, turn the camera off.”

Vincent’s voice: “I seem to be unfamiliar with the equipment.”

Sephiroth: *sighs* “Vincent, you’re an idiot.” *goes over to him*

Vincent’s voice: “Well, I’m sorry, my angel, but no one explained to me how to use this.”

Twilight: “Just press off! Press off! How hard is that?!”

Vincent’s voice: “You are one to talk when you cannot even read.”

Twilight: “Don’t make me come over there!”

Vincent’s voice: “Is that a threat?”

Sephiroth: “Don’t fight! I got it!”

(static)

Shell: “…..That was….interesting….”

Irvine: “That was nuts.”

Shell: “Yeah.”

Irvine: “….Wanna make out?”

Shell: “Irvine!” *pause* “Okay.”


(later that day…)

Rufus: *pacing* “What do the latest polls say?”

Tseng: *shrug*

Reeve: *shrug*

Elena: *shrug*

Rude: *shrug*

Reno: *asleep*

Tseng: “Reno was in charge of polls.”

Rufus: *yells* “RENO!”

Reno: *snapping awake* “No, officer! I swear I didn’t pick up that hooker!” *looks around* “What? I couldn’t have done anything. I was asleep.”

Rufus: “Reno, what do the latest polls say?”

Reno: “Oh. Right.” *digs a piece of paper out of his pocket* “Ok, well, Katie and Lizzie both said they think you’re cute, but they’re voting for Sephiroth. Noelle said she thinks we’re both cute,” *grins* “but she’s not sure who she’s voting for yet. Shell said she likes you but she’s voting for Sephiroth, Ashley says you’re cute and you’ve got her vote, and Lark says she loves ya but she’s not voting.”

Rufus: *sigh* “Why is Sephiroth getting all the votes of the ramble girls?!”

Reno: *shrugs* “I dunno.”

Rufus: *paces* “Hmmm… Let’s see… What can I do to convince the girls to vote for me?” *turns around*

Rude: “…I bet if you caught him sexually harassing a girl, the girls wouldn’t like that.”

Reeve: “But practically every guy here sexually harasses the girls. They don’t mind.”

Rufus: “I like that idea, Rude!” *turns to tseng* “Tseng, go to the store and buy a long silver wig, a plastic sword, and a black cape.”

Tseng: *mutters* “I think I can where this is going.”

Rufus: “Reno, get ready to harass.”

Reno: *grins* “It’s what I do best.”


(a little while later in the tv room…)

Irvine: *mutters* “I can’t believe you felt guilty about cheating on Rude.”

Shell: “If he catches me, he might not buy me things for awhile.” *files nails*

Irvine: “Can I at least changes the channel? ‘The Outer Limits’ sucks.”

Shell: “No!”

(lark comes in looking kind of tired)

Irvine: “Well look who unchained herself! Howdy, Lark!”

Shell: *turns around* “Lark! Hey! Is the protest off?”

Lark: “No. I just had to go to the bathroom.” *puts a hand to her head* “Did you see that piece of crap with Red and the tree and Sephiroth and the camera?”

Irvine: “Sure did.”

Lark: “And you *still* think this is amusing.”

Shell: “Hysterical.” *grins*

Lark: *annoyed sigh*

Irvine: “Hey, Lark, wanna make out?”

Lark: *sigh* “Um… All right. I have to chain myself back up though.”

Irvine: “I’m coming!” *jumps up*

(he and lark leave)

Shell: *shrugs* “That’s Irvine for ya.”

TV Announcer: “And now we bring you live footage cortesy of Rufus Shinra exposing the true Sephiroth.”

Shell: *looks up* “Nani?”

(on screen is obviously reno, dressed poorly as sephiroth in a long silver wig, a black tablecloth and weilding a plastic children’s sword, goes up to elena who’s just standing there)

Reno: “Hey, groovy chick. You look sexy today.”

Elena: “Leave me alone, Sephiroth. I don’t have time for this.”

Reno: “Of course you have time for me! I’m the great Sephiroth!” *pinches her butt and laughs*

Elena: *spins around the slaps him* “That’s sexual harassment and I don’t have to take it!”

Reno: “Ow!” *rubs his cheek* “Elena, that really hurt!”

(static)

TV Announcer: “Sephiroth sexually harasses women. Don’t vote for him. Especially if you are female.”

Shell: *laughs* “Oh, man! And the Rufus campaign has hit a new low.”


(later….lark is once again chained to the door and is making out with irvine in an otherwise empty ramble room)

Irvine: *pulls away* “I can still think of a better place to chain you.”

Lark: “Shut up.” *kisses him*

(sephiroth walks in and stops in the doorway because lark and irvine are blocking the whole thing)

Sephiroth: “A*hem*.” *frowns*

Lark: *still kissing irvine* “Sephiroth, I don’t really want to see you right now.”

Sephiroth: “Why not?”

Lark: *still kissing irvine* “I’m mad about the election.”

Sephiroth: “He started being mean first!”

Lark: *still kissing irvine* “That doesn’t mean you have to be mean back.”

Sephiroth: “If I want to keep my dignity I do!”

Irvine: *pulls away* “How can he understand you?”

Lark: *shrugs* “I don’t know.”

Sephiroth: “Beat it, cowboy geek. I wish to speak to Lark.”

Irvine: *frowns* “Fine. But I’m coming back as soon as I get one of those Turk cupcakes. They’re really good.” *he heads out*

Sephiroth: *calls* “Vote for me!”

Irvine: *from down the hall* “No!”

Lark: *sighs* “What is it?”

Sephiroth: *gets down on his knees and begs* “Please vote for me? Please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please?”

Lark: *simply* “No.”

Sephiroth: *comes right next to her* “I’m on my knees, Lark! Please? I’m begging you! I never beg!”

Lark: “My answer is still no.”

Sephiroth: *gives her a sad puppy face* “Please?”

Lark: *surprised* “Sephiroth! I never saw you do a sad puppy face before!”

Sephiroth: *still doing the sad puppy face* “Is it working?”

Lark: “No…” *grins* “It’s just making me wanna kiss you.”

Sephiroth: *leans closer* “I’ll take that then.”

(just as they’re about to kiss, irvine returns with his cupcake)

Irvine: “There are only a few left! I’m glad I got one! I’m telling you, Rude’s personal cupcake recipe is great!”

Sephiroth: *growls* “Cowboy geek, that wasn’t ten minutes. Go back out that door, and come back when you *said* you’d be back.”

Irvine: *sigh* “Fine.” *goes to leave but stops* “Wait–hey! No! I’m not leaving! You leave!”

Sephiroth: *grumble* “Fine.” *glares at irvine* “Vote for me.” *leaves*

Irvine: “No!” *gets back on the floor* *smiles* “Now, where were we?”

Lark: *points to the tv* “Look!”

Irvine: “Huh?” *turns*

TV Announcer: “You may think that Rufus’ running mate, Rude, is a pretty straight and arrow guy with nothing wrong with him.”

(a picture of rude is shown)

Irvine: “He is.”

TV Announcer: “You’re wrong.”

(picture of rude as rudella is shown)

TV Announcer: “He’s really a cross dresser.”

Irvine: “I cross dressed too!” *gulp* “But never again.”

(picture of a cupcake)

TV Announcer: “Also, Rude stole his famous cupcake recipe from the Betty Crocker Cookbook.”

Irvine: *gasps and looks at his cupcake* “No! Say it ain’t so!”

Lark: *pats him gently on the shoulder* “The cupcake can’t talk to you, hon.”

(the picture of rude cross dressing is shown again)

TV Announcer: “Rude. He’s just as freaky as the rest of us. If not worse.” *softly* “Paid for by the committee to elect Sephiroth.”

Lark: *sigh* “Now he’s trying to bash Rude, huh? Good luck with that.”

Irvine: *puts the cupcake down* “I can’t eat this now.”


(meanwhile at rufus’ headquarters…the turks and reeve are huddled around watching the tv. they just saw the commercial bashing rude)

Rude: “…………………….”

Reeve: *blurts out* “All right, Rude. I have to know. Is that true about the cupcakes?”

Rude: “………………………………………………………………..Yes.”

Everyone: *gasp*

(rufus comes in)

Rufus: “Did you *see* that piece of trash they put on about Rude?”

Tseng: “It was better than that piece of crap with Reno sexually harassing Elena.”

Rufus: “Well don’t worry. I just made a commercial defending you, Rude.”

Tseng: “No one was worrying.”

Rufus: “Shut up, Tseng! You’re really getting on my nerves!”

Tseng: *hopefully* “Am I fired?”

Rufus: “No!”

Tseng: *garden snap*

Rufus: *points to tv* “Look, there’s our new commercial.”

TV Announcer: “You may have heard some negative comments about Rude, Rufus’ running mate. But compared with some of the other things the nutsy people in this ramble room do, cross dressing and stealing cupcake recipes is pretty low on the list.”

(shot of zell and seifer fighting. then a shot of barret and cid walking red. then a shot of reeve and tseng cuddling)

Reeve: “Rufus!”

Rufus: “What, Reno was handing them out.”

Reeve: *hits himself in the head*

(shot of reno drunk off his ass)

Reno: “Yo! Rufus!”

Rufus: “Shush! It helps the cause!”

(shot of kiros making a gun out of his fingers and pointing it at laguna. then a shot of Noelle beating up zell. then Ashley and rinoa in a cat fight.)

TV Announcer: “Compared to everyone else in the ramble room, Rude’s pretty damn good.” *softly* “Vote Rufus/Rude.”

Elena: “Um… President Rufus… I don’t think you should have insulted everyone else in your commercial to try and get their vote.”

Rufus: “Well you see, Elena. I was…” *pause* “I was trying to…” *pause* “What I was going for…” *pause* “Aw, dammit!”

Reno: “Look! Sephiroth has *another* new commercial!”

Rufus: *turning to the tv* “What the fu–“

(a picture of reno and rude cross dressing is shown)

Rude: *head in his hands* “Not again.”

TV Annoucer: “What does that tell you?”

(a picture of reeve and tseng kissing is shown)

Tseng: “Ack! Where did *that* come from?!”

Reno: *giggles*

TV Announcer: “And what does *that* tell you?”

Reno: “They’re gay!” *giggles*

Tseng: *elbows him really hard*

Reno: “Ouch!”

Elena: “This commercial is trying to say you’re gay too, Reno.”

Reno: *screams*

TV Announcer: “These people all work for Rufus….. So what does that say about *him*?”

(shows rufus smiling at himself in the mirror)

Rufus: *screams like a girl*

TV Announcer: *softly* “Paid for by Sephiroth. Heh heh heh.”

Rufus: *stuttering* “Eh…I…Uh…Ah…Oh….”

Tseng: *crosses arms and frowns* “Like he’s one to talk.”

Rufus: “Yes!” *turns around and grabs tseng by the shoulders* “Tseng! You’re a genius! I could kiss you!”

Tseng: *grimaces*

Rufus: *backs off* “Eh heh heh… Just kidding.” *points to reno* “Reno! Get that spying camera of yours and go spy on Sephiroth till you get him kissing Vincent or something!” *narrows eyes* “This means war.”

Reeve: “But you already declared war on him. You can’t do that twice.”

Rufus: “Shut *up*, Reeve! You’re ruining the moment!”


(later…sephiroth and vincent are sitting on the couch in his headquarters…)

Sephiroth: “Another successful day on the campaign trial, Vincent.” *stretches out and puts his arm on the back of the couch*

Vincent: *writing vincent loves sephiroth on the wipe and write board* “Hm.”

Sephiroth: *leans over* “What are you writing?” *reads it* “Oh.” *blushes*  “Vincent… You’re making me blush…”

Vincent: *smiles* “You’re so beautiful, my angel.”

Sephiroth: *blushing more* “Vincent… You’re embarassing me…”

Vincent: “I’m sorry, angel.”

Sephiroth: “Vincent…” *turns to face vincent*

Vincent: “Yes?” *turns to him*

(sephiroth leans over and kisses vincent deeply as a flash goes off)

Vincent: *breaks away* “Angel, did you see something.”

Sephiroth: *eyes closed, begs* “Vincent… Kiss me again…”

Vincent: “All right…” *leans over the kisses him again*


(the next day in the ramble room…lark is still chained up)

Noelle: “I couldn’t believe that commercial Sephiroth’s campaigin ran yesterday!” *giggles* “But Reeve and Tseng are so cute!”

Lark: “I got it on tape.”

(everyone looks at her funny)

Lark: *with sweat drops she holds up the remote* “It’s a great invention.”

Ashley: “Look! It’s another Rufus commercial!”

(everyone crowds around the screen)

Lark: *straining to see* “I can’t see! I can’t see!!”

Ashley: “Ew!!!”

Shell: “Oh my god!”

Zell: “Did you *see* that, Squall?!”

Squall: “I wish I hadn’t.”

Irvine: “Holy mother of the cattle ranch!”

Noelle: “God yes! And I got it on tape!!” *starts bouncing around* “I got Sephiroth and Vincent kissing on tape! I got Sephiroth and Vincent kissing on tape!”

Lark: “WHAT!?!” *yanks her wrist free of the handcuffs and comes over* “What happened? I missed it, I missed it!!”

Noelle: *dancing around with a tape* “I got it on tape!”

Lark: *grabs the tape* “Ooh! Let me see!” *runs out of the room with it*

Irvine: “….It’s amazing what she can do when it comes to yaoi.” *points to discarded handcuffs*

Guys: *shudder*


(vincent and sephiroth are asleep half-naked on the couch in the ramble room. vincent is asleep on seph’s chest. then lark comes running in with the tape)

Lark: “Omg! You guys have to see Rufus’–” *spots them and stops* “Oh. Hehe.” *tip toes over and pokes sephy* “Sephy-sama….”

Sephiroth: *mutters in his sleep* “Yeah, I like threesomes…”

Lark: *eyes get wide as she pushes him harder* “Sephiroth!”

Sephiroth: *sits up* “Vincent, I can only co–” *spots lark* “Oh.. Oh ho ho… Lark! Heh. Hi.”

Lark: “We have to watch Rufus’ new commercial!!” *goes over to the vcr and puts the tape in*

Vincent: *waking up* “I see you have left the handcuffs behind, Lark.”

Lark: “I did for this!” *presses play and steps back*

(the screen is black)

Voiceover: “Some of you may have seen the commercial protraying some of Shinra’s employees as being gay.”

(the picture of vincent and sephiroth kissing comes on screen)

Sephiroth: “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Voiceover: “All we have to say is: Sephiroth is one to talk.” *softly* “Paid for by Rufus Shinra. Ha ha on you, Sephiroth.”

Sephiroth: *squeaks* “Ah…ah….ah…ah…ah…”

Vincent: *blushes*

Lark: *claps* “Ooh!! Pretty!!”

Sephiroth: *twitches convulsively*

Lark: “I’m making copies!!” *goes for the door*

Sephiroth: *grabs her arm* “Lark!”

Lark: “What?”

Sephiroth: *chin quivers and he crumbles to the ground, grabbing lark around the knees and begs* “Please don’t make copies?! Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please? Vincent doesn’t want you to either.”

Vincent: “Actually–“

Sephiroth: “See, that was a no.”

Lark: *sighs* “Fine. I won’t.” *looks down at her wrist* “Oh god. I’m bleeding.” *leaves*

Sephiroth: “Vincent, we’ve gotta start being serious now. Rufus is not playing nice.”

Vincent: “Would you like your shirt?”

Sephiroth: “…..Yes. Yes, that would be helpful.”


(later…at the rufus headquarters…)

Rufus: *grinning* “We got him good with that commercial.”

Elena: “Sephiroth has a new commercial!”

Rufus: “Sh*t!” *comes over* “What now?”

TV Announcer: “President Shinra. He terrorized a planet and put Midgar under his control even though it wasn’t his to control. Things were so bad that a *terrorist* group was formed to fight against him.” *pause as a picture of him is shown* “If you didn’t trust his father, what makes you think his son will be any different?” *dramatic pause* “Rufus Shinra. Like father, like son.”

Rufus: *screams* “AHH! No! Anything but that!” *falls to his knees*

Reeve: *snorts* “Like you can’t get *Sephiroth* back for that.”

Tseng: “Yeah, look who *his* father is.”

Rufus: *brightens* “Yes! We’ll get him back! We’ll do it right now! Get the camera! Wake up Reno! We have a nasty commercial to film!”

(he runs out of the room and and elena, tseng and reeve not too happily follow)

Rude: *nudges reno* “Come on, man.”

Reno: *jerks awake* “No officer, I swear, it was his idea!” *looks up and sees rude, then jumps up grabs rude by the collar and shakes him* “Rude! You gotta bail me outta jail!”

Rude: *sigh*


(later….sephiroth is in his headquarters, head in his hands. vincent sits there silently. then twilight and opal come running in)

Twilight: “Sephiroth! Sephiroth! Rufus has a new commercial, and you’re not going to like it!”

Sephiroth: “@#$%&*.”

Opal: “Oh dear.”

Twilight: *turns the tv on* “Lookit!”

(it’s a blank screen)

Voiceover: “Professor Hojo was responsible for the Jenova project, which involved messing with the biological makeup of human beings. He was also responsible for the mutations of Vincent Valentine. You would never trust this person. So then why trust his son? Sephiroth: Like father, like son.” *softly* “Paid for by Rufus Shinra. Right back at you, Sephiroth *Hojo*.”

Sephiroth: *frozen in shock*

Vincent: “I think it was obvious by his previous commercial that he wouldn’t hurt me.”

Opal: “Mr. dark Sephiroth, sir? Are you all right?”

Sephiroth: *frozen*

Twilight: “Sephiroth?”

Sephiroth: *nothing*

Twilight: *pushes sephiroth to the ground* “Sephiroth! Say something or I’ll get a clown!”

Sephiroth: *twitches* “No! Anything but that! Oh, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror! That commercial contained more evil than the black materia! How could he *do* that to me?! Hojo’s not my father! He’s not!” *starts crying*

Twilight: “Don’t cry! No one votes for criers!”

Opal: *scolding* “Twilight!” *hugs sephiroth* “It’s all right, Mr. dark Sephiroth, sir.”

Vincent: *looks from twilight and opal and back* “How did you two ever fall in love?”

Twilight: *bragging* “She liked me first.”

Sephiroth: *sniff* “Get the camera. I have another idea that can’t miss!”

Twilight: “Does it involve any more guys kissing? Cause I can’t deal with that any more.”

Sephiroth: “No! Now get Rufus’ camera!”


(later in the ramble room…)

Irvine: “I can’t believe we vote tomorrow.”

Noelle: “And there have been no more Nida commericals.” *pouts*

Zell: “Too bad you chained yourself to the door again, Lark.”

Lark: “I’m still protesting!” *grins* “But the commercials ain’t half bad.” *giggles*

Squall: “Look, it’s another commercial.”

Voiceover: “This is the last commercial you will see from the Sephiroth campaigin. All we want to say is this: Barret and Tifa, he tried to kill you.” *pause* “When you go to the polls tomorrow, remember this: Rufus Shinra is a monopolizing freak. Thank you.”

Ashley: “Aw! The last commercial! That has sentimental value!” *wipes tear*

Squall: “Whatever.”

Irvine: “I bet Barret and Tifa didn’t even see it!”

Lark: *mutters* “I can’t wait till this is over…”


(back at rufus headquarters…)

Rufus: “Well everyone, tomorrow is the election, and, of course, you will all vote for me.”

Turks and Reeve: *look uncertain*

Rufus: “You’ll vote for me, or I will have you KILLED!” *pleasant smile* “Now, I made our last commercial, which I’m sure will go over well, since it goes right to the point.”

(flash to the ramble room where everyone is watching the commercial)

Tired Voiceover: “And, in conclusion, we would just like to say this.”

(a picture of sephiroth is shown)

Tired Voiceover: “Sephiroth: You *know* he’s a jerk.”

Shell: “What the hell is that?!”

(back to rufus)

Rufus: “Now, tomorrow, just to make sure you all vote for me, I’m putting a video camera in the voting booth.”

Tseng: “Isn’t that illegal?”

Reeve: “Yeah, after all you’ll be able to see who the other people are voting for too.”

Rufus: *shrugs* “So it’s in my favor. Who’s complaining? I’m not.” *smiles* “How do we look in the polls?”

Reno: *shrugs*

Rufus: “RENO!”

Reno: “Sorry! I got drunk last night instead of doing the polls like I was asked.”

Rufus: “Grrrrrrrrr…..”

Reno: “Rude came too!”

Rude: “Reno!”

Reno: “Rude!”

Rufus: “Reno!”

Reno: “Rufus!”

Rufus: “Rude!”

Rude: “Rufus!”

Tseng: “Reeve!”

(everyone freezes and turns to him looking confused)

Reeve: “What?”

Tseng: *giggles* “Nothing. I just wanted to join in.”

Rufus: *sighs* “Fine. Whatever. Vote for me. I’m going to bed.”

Elena: “Um… It’s 3:30 in the afternoon.”

Rufus: “I AM GOING TO BED!”

Elena: *sweat drops* “Have a nice sleep, sir!” *salutes*

(rufus leaves)

Reeve: “He’s cracked.”

Tseng: “Oh yeah.”

Reeve: “I’m so exhausted from this stupid campaign.”

Tseng: “Yeah.”

Reeve: “Wanna make out?”

Tseng: “Sure.”

(they start going at it)

Elena: “Ugh! And they wonder why people talk!” *stomps out*

Reno: *scratches his head* “You know, I haven’t seen Sexy in awhile.”

Rude: “Hm. Shell hasn’t been hitting me up for money.”

Reno: “Must be the election and junk.”

Rude: “Yeah. They’re probably all bored by it.”


(back in the ramble room…)

Noelle: “I can’t *wait* to vote tomorrow!!”

Shell: “Me neither!”

Irvine: “I know! Let’s have a pre-election party!”

Everyone: “Yeah!!”

(they all start to leave)

Seifer: “This is gonna rock!”

Zell: “You wanna come to our party, Lark?”

Lark: “No! I’m protesting, remember?”

Zell: “Oh yeah! Sorry!”

(lark is left alone)

Lark: *sigh* “Okay, so I don’t think this chain myself to the door thing is working. Maybe I should give it up.” *unchains herself and massages her wrist* “Ow.”

(there’s a knock at the door)

Lark: “Now who the hell is that?”

(she opens the door and it’s a voting machine on a little push cart thing)

Lark: “Oh great. Just what I need.”

Jake’s voice: “Special delivery!”

Lark: “Jake!”

(jake wheels the machine in and sets it down)

Jake: “Hey there. Remember me?”

Lark: “Of course! How are ya?”

Jake: “Doing well.”

Lark: “Where’s your doggy?”

Jake: “In my truck. I was just dropping this off.”

Lark: “I thought you worked for the telephone company.”

Jake: *shrugs* “I do a little of everything.”

Lark: “Oh. Well that’s cool.”

Jake: “And what are you doing with this voting machine?”

Lark: *shakes head* “You don’t wanna know. Trust me. It’s nuts.”

(just then Katie comes running in)

Katie: “Omg, Lark! There’s a truck outside and there’s the cutest little dog in–” *spots jake* “Oh. Hi.” *blushes*

Jake: *smiles* “Oh. Hello to you too.”

Lark: “Jake, meet Katie. Katie, meet Jake.”

Katie: “Hi.”

Jake: “Hi.”

(silence)

Jake: *eyes on Katie* “Well… I have to be going… But I’m sure I’ll stop by…” *starts walking but practically rams into the wall cause he’s still staring at Katie* “Oh! Heh heh.” *steps to the side* “Who put that wall there? Heh.”

Lark: *waves* “Bye, Jake.”

Katie: “Bye… Jake…”

Jake: “Bye…” *grins and leaves*

Katie: “………………..Wow.”

Lark: “Isn’t he a cutie?” *smiles at Katie* “I think he liked you!”

Katie: “You think?”

Lark: *nods*

Katie: “Omg! I’m going to tell Lizzie!” *runs out*

(lark smiles and shakes her head and leaves. several minutes later, reeve and tseng sneak in not looking too happy)

Reeve: “I can’t believe Rufus is making *us* implant his stupid camera in the voting booth.”

Tseng: *sighs* “Couldn’t he see that we were busy?”

Reeve: “Not that we…”

Tseng: “No. Of course not.”

Reeve and Tseng: “Heh.” *sweat drops*

(they go over to the voting booth, which has a curtain that goes all the way to the floor. they both squeeze inside and reeve attaches the camera in the upper left hand corner of the booth)

Reeve: “Good. No one will see it there.”

Tseng: “You’re so smart, Reeve.”

Reeve: *shrugs* “I guess.”

Tseng: “Boy, it’s a perfect size for two in here, huh?”

Reeve: “And the curtain goes all the way to the floor so no one could see….” *looks at tseng*

(tseng looks at reeve, grins and pulls the curtain across.)


(about 1/2 hour later…lark walks into the ramble room, seph at her heels)

Sephiroth: “Vote for me.”

Lark: “No.”

Sephiroth: “Vote for me.”

Lark: “No.”

Sephiroth: “Vote for me.”

Lark: “No.”

Sephiroth: “Vote for me.”

Lark: “No.”

Sephiroth: “Sleep with me.”

Lark: *turns around* “What?”

Sephiroth: *sweat drops* “Who said anything?”

(then distinct moaning is heard from the voting booth)

Lark: “Sephiroth…do you hear something?”

Sephiroth: “Yes…” *goes over to the voting booth and points to it as he leans against it*

(lark goes over and listens confused a moment before she pulls the curtain across. she and seph stare stunned at reeve and tseng who are in the midst of going at like their plane was going down. when they’re discovered they freeze, still entwined)

Lark: “Oops.”

Tseng: “Um… We weren’t…”

Reeve: “Oh no.”

Sephiroth: *mocking* “Oh no. Of course not.”

Tseng: *straightens his tie* “Um… We better be going.”

Reeve: *straightens his tie* “Yes. Good evening.”

Tseng: “Yes.”

(lark and seph watched perplexed as they leave)

Lark: “Do you think they’ll ever admit they like each other?”

Sephiroth: *laughs* “I hate people who act like it’s a huge secret or something.”

Lark: *laughs* “Yeah, me too! That’s so annoying!”

(awkward silence)

Sephiroth: *meekly* “Vote for me?”

Lark: “NO!”


(election day has come at last! everyone is lined up to vote. first sephiroth, rufus and nida. lark, since she isn’t voting, is sitting behind the table, in charge of making sure everyone votes once)

Nida: *bragging* “I’m going to vote for myself.”

Lark: “Good. You’ll get one vote.”

(rufus goes in and votes, then seph goes in and votes, and then nida goes in)

Lark: “All right, the candidates have to leave now.”

Rufus: “Vote for me!”

Sephiroth: “Vote for me!”

Nida: “Vote for me!”

Lark: “Don’t vote for Nida!!”

(rufus runs back to his headquarters and turns on his tv so he can see who everyone’s voting for. first is shell)

Shell: “Whee! The moment of triumph.” *pulls lever for sephiroth* “Sorry, Rude.”

Rufus: “Dammit!”

(next is Noelle)

Noelle: “Hmm…. Well, I like Rufus and Sephiroth… But I feel bad for Nida.” *pulls nida lever*

Rufus: “WHAT!?”

(next is vincent)

Vincent: “Hm. Angel.” *pulls sephiroth level*

Rufus: *snorts* “Big surprise.”

(next is yuffie)

Yuffie: “Um… I pick…. Rufus for restore materia!” *pulls rufus lever*

Rufus: “YES!”

(next is reeve)

Reeve: *sighs* “I don’t really want to die…” *pulls rufus lever* *looks right at the camera* “The cat was cute.”

Rufus: “Oh please. I’m not celebrating your vote, Reeve.”

(next is Lizzie)

Lizzie: “I love Sephiroth!” *pulls sephiroth lever*

Rufus: *pouts* “What’s he got that I don’t? We’re both villans!”

(next is quistis)

Quistis: “Hmm….” *shrugs* “Whatever.” *pulls sephiroth lever*

Rufus: *yells at screen* “Oh *yeah*! Well I don’t *need* your vote!”

(next is tifa)

Tifa: “Well… I hate Shinra, and Rufus *did* try to kill me, but Sephiroth tried to destroy the planet…*and* he killed my father…” *thinks* “Better go with the lesser of two evils.” *pulls rufus lever*

Rufus: “Yes! In your face, Sephiroth!”

(rinoa comes in)

Rinoa: *sigh* “Whatever.” *pulls sephiroth lever*

Rufus: “What’s with all the stupid girls?! I’ll whatever you!”

(tseng comes in)

Rufus: *grins* “Here’s a vote for me.” *rubs hands together*

(tseng pulls the lever for sephiroth and sticks his tongue out at the camera)

Rufus: *sputters* “What?! Tseng?! How could you?! You’re almost fired!”

(twilight comes in)

Rufus: *mumbles* “Here’s another vote for Sephiroth.”

Twilight: *scratches his head* “Now how do you spell Sephiroth again?” *thinks* “Oh yeah! With an S! I got it!” *pulls the nida lever*

Rufus: *laughs his ass off* “Oh *man*! And I have it on tape!”

(reno comes in)

Reno: *pulls rufus lever* “Here ya go you stupid bastard.”

Rufus: “I heard that.”

(red comes in)

Red: “I was in his commercial.” *pulls sephiroth lever*

Rufus: “I should have appealed more to….whatevers.”

(Ashley comes in)

Ashley: “Rufus is too cute *not* to vote for.” *pulls rufus lever*

Rufus: *grins* “All right!” *pause* “Why is everyone talking to themselves before they vote?”

(cloud comes in)

Cloud: *scratches head* “What is this?” *shrugs and pulls nida lever*

Rufus: “I didn’t expect anything from that idiot.”

(opal comes in)

Opal: *sighs* “I wish I could vote for all of them.” *pulls seph lever*

Rufus: *pouts* “Well you can’t.”

(JT comes in)

JT: “Sephiroth is mean.” *pulls rufus lever*

Rufus: “My new best friend!”

(rude comes in, votes for rufus and gives the camera a thumbs up sign)

Rufus: “Well, I would *hope* you’d vote for me!”

(laguna comes in)

Laguna: “Hey hey! This is a big decision, but I’ve gotta stick with my fellow President!” *pulls rufus lever*

Rufus: “All right! Laguna, if I’m ever in Esthar, I’ll vote for you!”

(seifer comes in)

Seifer: “That Hojo commercial was too good not to listen to.” *pulls rufus lever*

Rufus: “Hmm… Maybe Seifer isn’t so bad after all…”

(elena comes in, votes for rufus and blows a kiss to the camera)

Rufus: *blushes*

(Katie comes in)

Katie: “Tee hee! Sephy of course!” *pulls sephy lever*

Rufus: *pouts* “Women suck.”

(cid comes in)

Cid: “@$%@^&@^!” *votes for rufus*

Rufus: “@#$%! I mean yes!”

(squall comes in)

Squall: *shrugs* “Whatever.” *votes for sephiroth*

Rufus: “These whatever people suck!”

(kiros is next)

Kiros: “Laguna said he was voting for Rufus.” *pulls sephiroth lever* “Ha on him!”

Rufus: “Dammit!”

(next is zell)

Zell: *studies ballot* “Hmm…” *scratches his head* “This ballot is confusing… I wanna vote for ‘Roth…” *pulls nida lever* “Guess that’s the one for him.”

Rufus: *laughs* “Ha ha! It’s not! Go ahead! Throw your vote away!”

(ward comes in)

Ward: “………………” *pulls sephiroth lever*

Rufus: “Yeah, you *better* say nothing!”

(barret comes in)

Barret: “I’ll vote for a damn Shinra over my dead body! I’d rather vote for that crazy freak!” *pulls sephiroth lever*

Rufus: “You suck, Barret!”

(finally it’s irvine)

Irvine: “I’ve known my choice since day one.”

Rufus: *bites nails in anticipation.”

Irvine: *pulls rufus lever*

Rufus: “Hooray!” *kisses screen* “Yes! I–” *stops short and does a quick count off on his fingers* “Wait… No!!! No!!! It can’t be!!!” *falls to his knees* “It’s a tie!!”


(later that day, everyone is in the ramble room. lark is sitting at the head with a gavel. everyone is talking at once, and lark has to bang the gavel)

Lark: “All right, quiet! Quiet!”

(everyone shuts up)

Lark: “Now, as you probably heard, the race is a tie between Rufus and Sephiroth.” *everyone starts talking again* “SHUT UP!” *sweet smile* “Now, what’s weird, is that there are 5 votes for Nida when there should only be *one*. No one voted for Nida on purpose!”

Noelle: “Actually… I did…”

Lark: “WHAT?!”

Noelle: “I like him!!”

(everyone starts talking at once again)

Lark: *bangs gavel* “All right, all right! That’s pretty twisted, but I’ll deal with Noelle later. Now, was there anyone else who voted for Nida on purpose?”

(nothing)

Zell: “I might have by accident. The ballot was confusing! I was trying to vote for ‘Roth!”

Sephiroth: *jumps to his feet* “That’s another vote for me! I win!”

Lark: “No you don’t. Sit down.”

Rufus: “Zell is just an idiot. He doesn’t deserve to vote if he can’t read the ballot.”

Twilight: *gulp* “I think I *might* have *accidentally* voted for Nida too.”

Sephiroth: “WHAT?!”

Twilight: “Does your name start with this letter?” *grabs vincent’s wipe and write board and erases it to write the letter N*

Vincent: *hangs head* “All my hard work.”

Sephiroth: “No! That’s an N! And N, you idiot! My name starts with an S!” *draws an s on the board* “I told you to learn how to spell it! I could have won!”

Rufus: “Pretty pathetic that your own running mate didn’t vote for you.”

Sephiroth: “Shove it, Shinra.”

Lark: *bangs gavel* “All right, no fighting.”

Tifa: “Cloud, who did you vote for?”

Cloud: *scratches head* “Um… The last one?”

Lark: *sighs* “That explains the other vote for Nida.”

Rufus: “Well what do we do now?”

Sephiroth: “I want a revote! Some people couldn’t read the ballot, or were illiterate.”

Lark: “Sephiroth, one person couldn’t read it, and one more was illiterate. You should have taught your own running mate how to spell your own damn name. There’s no revote.”

Sephiroth: “Then how are we going to pick who wins?”

Rufus: “Yeah! This could not get settled for days!”

Sephiroth: “I want a hand recount!”

Rufus: “I object to that!”

Sephiroth: “Don’t make me sue!”

Rufus: “I think Lark should pick!”

Sephiroth: “Yeah!”

Lark: *shakes head* “No. No way. This is why I didn’t vote.”

Shell: “Yeah, and it’s cause you didn’t vote that we’re all here now.”

Zell: “Yeah! It’s your fault!”

Squall: “Actually, it’s all your fault for not reading the ballot right, Zell.”

Zell: “Shut up, Squall!”

Noelle: “Well something has to be done. We can’t just sit around without a ramble room locker.”

Reeve: *out of nowhere* “Ooh! They have laptops on sale at Sears!”

Rufus: “Lark! He isn’t paying attention!”

Lark: “Give me the flyer, Reevy.”

Reeve: *frowns* “All right.” *hands it over*

Lark: *takes it and looks at it*

(all at once)

Rufus: “Lark, I think you should pick, and that you should pick me…”

Sephiroth: “I wanna revote…”

Noelle: “Come on and do *something*, Lark…”

Shell: “It’s all your fault, Lark…”

Twilight: “It’s not my fault I never went to school! It was my cheap ass parents…”

Lark: *still looking at the flyer but then grins and looks up* “All right, I will decide this election.”

Rufus: *with his best vote for me look* “Who’re you gonna pick, Lark? And have I mentioned how beautiful you look today?”

Sephiroth: *sad puppy face* “You know I’d pick you, Lark, if our positions were reversed.”

Nida’s voice: *from somewhere* “Override them! Pick me! Pick–ow! Squall! That gunblade hurts!”

Lark: *folds hands on the table* “Okay, I have to say this decision wasn’t too hard. I pick–“


(the next day. sephiroth and rufus stand not too happily outside the ramble room while lark watches as jake installs something on the door)

Sephiroth: “I can’t believe that she picked to have an automated system put in instead of trusting one of us.”

Rufus: “Yeah. All that money on commercials for nothing.” *pouts*

Jake: *wipes off his hands* “All righty, you’re all done. Your automated door locker is installed.”

Lark: “You’re so sweet, Jake!” *kisses him on the cheek*

Rufus and Sephiroth: “Grrrrrrr….”

Jake: *blushes* “Any time, Lark.” *cough* “Is…um…Katie around?”

Lark: *smiles* “I think she’s on the porch.”

Jake: *blushes more* “Thanks. I’ll be back to pick up the voting machine tomorrow.”

Lark: “Take care, hon!”

(jake leaves and sephiroth and rufus glare at lark)

Lark: *smiles* “See? Now everyone’s happy.”

Rufus: *frowns* “No.”

Sephiroth: “Not quite.”

Lark: *shrugs* “On the plus side, everyone had a ball.” *pause* “Except me.” *frowns* “Those handcuffs really hurt my wrist.”

Rufus: *sighs* “Well, I guess I’m going to go back to my headquarters to wallow in self pity.”

Lark: *going into the ramble room* “You have fun now.”

(rufus leaves and sephiroth follows lark inside)

Lark: *sigh* “Well, we still have that voting booth for another day.”

Sephiroth: “I can’t believe Reeve and Tseng were making out in that tiny thing.”

Lark: *goes over and pulls the curtain across* “Yeah, can two people even fit in there?”

Sephiroth: *comes up besides her and looks at her* “….Only one way to find out…”

(they both look at one another and then step inside)

Sephiroth: “Eh heh heh…” *pulls the curtain across*

(sounds of groping and some banging follow…then there’s silence for a moment or two)

Rufus’ voice: *from far away* “OH GOD WHY!”

Lark’s voice: “Um…Sephiroth…Is that a camera?”

THE END!!!!

This entry was posted in The Golden Era and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s