#36 – Turks Rock!

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Lark’s a Turk! Now it looks like Scarlet isn’t the only skanky ho’ in Shinra!”

Originally Published: 10/9/00 . 15 pages

Synopsis
Lark, Noelle and Sephiroth decide to join the Turks! Will they have fun, or did they make a huge mistake?

Ramble Milestones
-Rufus is reading Dictator Weekly, which he claims is Reeve’s.

This ramble is pretty stupid, aside from a few moments involving Rufus’ claims about Dictator Weekly and a few Vincent moments. As for Lark being a Turk… I think that was only ever mentioned again once – I’m glad all the other Turks try to talk her out of it and that it’s a horrible job, because as we see in later rambles, it really isn’t fun.

(lark, rufus, all the turks, reeve and sephiroth are in the ramble room)

Reno: “Where are all the other girls?”

Lark: “I think they went to the movies.”

Reno: *frowns* “That sucks.”

Lark: “Where are all the FF8 people?”

Rufus: “Who cares? They’re not important.”

Lark: “Okay….then where are all the playable characters?”

Rufus: “Who cares about them either. They suck anyway.”

Sephiroth: “Damn straight!”

Reeve: “Well….I’m a playable character….indirectly.”

Lark: “Oh no. You’re cool. Cait Sith sucks. Never say that again.”

Reeve: *meekly* “Okay.”

Rufus: “I know! Since we’re all in Shinra here, except for Lark, let’s have a meeting!”

Sephiroth: “I’m not in Shinra anymore!”

Rufus: “Shut up! Does anyone have an order of business?”

Tseng: *pushing elena off him* “Can’t she sit next to Rude or something?”

Elena: “Hey!”

Rufus: “I really don’t care. Anything else?”

Reeve: “You know, Rufus, you and I are the only executives here.”

Lark: “The other executives suck.”

Rufus: “Thank you, Lark.”

Reno: “I propose that every Friday is dress down day!”

Rude: *mutters* “You dress down every day.”

Tseng: “He’s right. You don’t even wear your uniform correctly!”

Reno: “So what?”

Rufus: “I’m ignoring your proposal.”

Reno: “Can it at least be beer day?”

Rufus: “NO!”

Reno: “Sheesh. Fine.” *pouts*

Rufus: “You all suck! I want new employees!”

Sephiroth: “I don’t even work for you! I never did!”

Rufus: “Shut up, Sephiroth!”

Lark: “Can I work for you?”

The Turks: “Nani?!”

Sephiroth: “Speak English!”

The Turks: “What?!”

Lark: *giggles* “I want to work for Shinra! I could be a Turk too!”

Reno: “Are you out of your mind?”

Tseng: “It’s a horrible job!”

Elena: “Hey! Turks rock!”

Rufus: “Elena’s right, Lark. Being a Turk is a great job!”

(the guy turks shake their heads frantically)

Reeve: “You don’t want to work for him, Lark. He’s a slave driver. You’re better off becoming one with the planet with Sephiroth or something.”

Sephiroth: *eyes light up* “Yeah!” *pause* “Wait….was that an insult?”

Lark: “I think it would be cool. Besides, I love Rufus!” *hugs rufus*

Rufus: “You’re hired!”

Guy Turks: *sigh*

Rude: “We tried to warn you…”

Reno: *takes out a flask and takes a sip from it* “Don’t say we didn’t try.”

Tseng: *mutters* “At least *she* won’t be hanging off me…”

Elena: “Don’t worry, Lark! Being a Turk is great!”

Rufus: “Come on, Sephiroth! What do you say? You wanna be a Turk too?”

Rude: “Um….”

Reno: “No!”

Tseng: “Come on! I don’t want to work with him!”

Sephiroth: *glares* “I hate you, Rufus.”

Tseng: “Join the club.”

Rufus: “Now, now, Tseng. Don’t get bitter just because *you* hate your job. Someone else might enjoy it.”

Tseng: “You *sold* us!”

Rufus: “Yeah! My mall is doing great by the way.”

Lark: “Come on, Sephy-sama. Be a Turk with me. Please?” *bat eyelashes*

Sephiroth: *sighs* “I said I’d work for Rufus over my dead bleeding body….but….why not? I can always take it down from the inside out, right?”

Reeve: “That’s what I’m doing!”

Rufus: “That’s the spirit!” *pause* “Wait…”

Lark: “So what time do we have to show up tomorrow?”

Rufus: “9 A.M. And don’t be late!”

Lark: *grins as she salutes* “Yes, sir!”

Sephiroth: *mutters* “I think I’m out of my mind….”


(the next day….it’s a little before 9 and shell is in the tv room filing her nails and watching tv)

Shell: “Lark always said the Sci-fi channel just had crap on, but I like it!”

(Noelle enters with Ashley)

Noelle: “Where’s Reno?”

Shell: “He and Rude had to go to work, remember?”

Noelle: “Oh yeah.”

Ashley: “Well where are Lark and Sephiroth then?”

Noelle: “I don’t think I *want* to know.”

Shell: “They went to work too.”

Ashley: “Nani?!”

Noelle: “Lark got a job?! *Lark*?! Are we talking about the same Lark here?”

Shell: *nods* “Yup. She and Sephiroth are both working for Shinra now.”

Ashley: “Sephiroth’s working for Shinra?!”

Shell: *blinks* “You’re not surprised Lark is?”

Ashley: *shrugs* “Not really.”

Noelle: “But Sephiroth!? What is the world coming too?!”

Shell: *giggles* “Like father like son!”

Noelle and Ashley: *shudder* “Ew…..”


(meanwhile….over at the shinra headquarters meeting room….all the executives are gathered around the table. the turks are standing in the back, including lark and sephiroth in their uniforms)

Sephiroth: “I hate these uniforms.”

Lark: “I think they’re cool!”

Elena: “I like them too!”

Lark: “You know, Elena, you and I get along really well.”

Elena: “Yeah, we do!”

Tseng: *mutters* “Oh good g-d.”

Sephiroth: “I want sunglasses. Like Rude.”

Lark: “You want to be like Rude?”

Sephiroth: “No! He sucks! I just want the sunglasses!”

Rude: *sighs unhappily*

Elena: “Um…where’s Reno?”

Tseng: “The better question is do I *want* to know where he is.”

Rude: “He better come soon, or he’ll get his ass kicked.”

Sephiroth: “I’d love to see that!”

Lark: “Hey, don’t I get a weapon?”

Tseng: “Better take it up with Rufus.”

Sephiroth: “Why don’t you use your whip?” *grins*

Lark: *grins* “Oh yeah!” *takes it out* “I can use this!”

Sephiroth: “Boy can you ever.”

Lark: “Hm? Did you say something, Sephy?”

Sephiroth: “No….”

(reno runs in, out of breath)

Reno: “Yo, man, you won’t believe what happened to me!”

Tseng: *sighs* “I bet I could.”

Reno: “No, man. I couldn’t find my goggles! I looked everywhere, and I just couldn’t find them!”

Tseng: “That’s the worst excuse you’ve had yet.”

Reno: “I’m serious! Know where they finally were?”

Tseng: *sighs* “Where?”

Reno: “Under my pillow! I don’t know how the hell they got there!”

Elena: “Shut your trap and get in line, Reno. They’re gonna start the meeting soon!”

Rufus: “This meeting of Shinra Inc. is now called to order. We have two new members to the Turks.”

Heidegger: “Why wasn’t I informed? Gya haa haa!”

Rufus: “Because I hate you. Please welcome Lark and Sephiroth.”

Hojo: “Sephiroth! Son! Glad to see you’re back!”

Sephiroth: *twitches* “Can I have permission to kill him? Please? I’ll get rid of the evidence.”

Rufus: “Good to ask first, but no. Not today.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Lark’s a Turk! Now it looks like Scarlet isn’t the only skanky ho’ in Shinra!”

Lark: *screams* “Ack!!! Rufus!!! He compared me to Scarlet!!!!!!!!!!!”

Rufus: *glares at heidegger* “Sephiroth?”

Sephiroth: “Yes, sir?”

Rufus: “Take him outside and beat him please.”

Sephiroth: *rubs his hands together* “My pleasure.” *grabs heidegger by the collar and drags him outside*

Heidegger: “Gya haa crap!”

(they leave)

Scarlet: “Rufus, honey, I don’t think it’s a good idea to have another girl Turk.”

Rufus: “Shut up, Scarlet. And don’t call me honey.”

Palmer: “What about the space program?”

Rufus: *rolls his eyes* *sarcastically* “Yeah….I’ll be getting right on it.”

Palmer: “Hooray! Finally!”

Scarlet: “He was being sarcastic, ass.”

Palmer: *hangs head* “Oh.”

Heidegger: *from outside* “Gya haa ow!”

Sephiroth: *evil laughter* “Mwha haa haa! I love this job!”

Hojo: “I certainly think things are going to get a little more interesting here.”

Reeve: “Shut up.”

Lark: “You tell him, Reeve!”

Scarlet: “Rufus, your new Turk is talking whenever she feels like it.”

Rufus: “She can do that, Scarlet. Shut up.”

Lark: “Ha ha!”

Scarlet: *frowns*

Heidegger: *from outside* “Gya haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa….” *thump*

Sephiroth: *enters brushing off his hands* “All taken care of.”

Rufus: “Good job.”

Hojo: “I always knew you were a winner, Sephiroth!”

Sephiroth: *twitch* “Make him stop talking to me.”

Rufus: “Shut up, Hojo.”

Sephiroth: *grins* “I think I’m gonna like it here.”


(back in the tv room…..shell is watching the sci fi channel and painting her nails. vincent enters)

Vincent: “Shell….have you seen my angel? I mean Sephiroth? He’s not in the ramble room complaining or threatening as usual.”

Shell: “He’s at work.”

Vincent: “Hm?”

Shell: “He and Lark are working for Shinra now.”

Vincent: “THEY’RE WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?”

Shell: *turns around shocked* “Vincent! You *yelled*! You never yell!”

Vincent: “I have to stop them!”

Shell: “Good luck.”

Vincent: “I must be off.” *exits*

Shell: “Ooh! Wonder Woman’s on!! Cool!!”


(meanwhile…back at the headquarters, all the turks are in tseng’s office)

Lark: “We’re not doing anything….”

Tseng: “We have no missions.”

Sephiroth: “Well, can’t you make one up?”

Tseng: “No……”

Lark: “This sucks. I’m going to go complain.”

Sephiroth: “Are you going to use the whip?”

Lark: “No!” *she leaves*

Tseng: *picks up his phs*

Reno: “Who are you calling?”

Tseng: “Reeve.”

Everyone else: *groan*

Sephiroth: “Why don’t you do something useful like order me some sunglasses!”

Rude: “You can have my spare pair, if you want.”

Sephiroth: “I don’t want something you touched!”

Rude: *hangs his head* “Oh…”

Reno: *pulls out his flask* “Man, this is gonna be a loooooooooooooong day.”


(lark goes to see rufus)

Lark: *goes into his office* “Oh, Ru-sama!”

Rufus: *reading dictator weekly* “Hmm?” *puts it down* “Is there a problem?”

Lark: “Yeah…. There’s nothing to do. All we’re doing is sitting around.”

Rufus: “………..Your point being?”

Lark: “Shouldn’t we be doing *something*?”

Rufus: *blinks* “Are you telling me you’re getting paid to do *nothing* and this is *bothering* you?”

Lark: “Basically, yes.”

Rufus: *shakes head* “I don’t get it.”

Lark: “Whatcha readin’?” *picks up magazine*

Rufus: *sweat drops* “Nothing much. Eh heh.”

Lark: “Dictator Weekly?”

Rufus: “Um….it was just lying around. Picked it up…. I think it’s Reeve’s.”

Lark: *flipping through it* “This looks interesting.”

Rufus: “Nani?”

Lark: “Mind if I borrow this?”

Rufus: *surprised* “You wanna borrow it?”

Lark: “Yeah! This is great stuff!”

Rufus: *sweat drops* “Um…yeah, sure. Just remember that I’m the one who was nice enough to lend it to you! Even though it’s not mine. It’s Reeve’s. He acts all sweet and innocent, but he’s a crazed maniac. I would watch out for him if I were you. He’s got an army of those Cait Sith things waiting to take over the world!!”

Lark: *engrossed in the magazine, heads for the door* “Right. Thanks.”


(meanwhile….back in tseng’s office….tseng is on the phone, chatting away, feet up on the desk. rude is standing in the corner, leaning against the wall, silent. reno’s sipping from his flask, sitting on the couch, and Elena is besides him, looking bored, resting her chin in her hand. sephiroth is leaning on the desk, arms crossed)

Tseng: “Yeah, I know, Reeve…………… Yeah, it’s really boring around here. There are a lot of things I’d rather be doing………. Like what?” *sweat drops* “Um…..heh heh. You know…..stuff….”

Reno: *takes a sip* “Being a Turk still fun, Elena?”

Elena: “Shut up, Reno.”

Rude: “……………”

Sephiroth: *mutters* “I want sunglasses. Where’s Lark? This sucks. SOLDIER was better.”

Reno: “It is not!”

Sephiroth: “Is too!”

Elena: “Is not! Turks rock!”

Tseng: *covering the mouthpiece* “Do  you mind?! I’m on the phone!”

Elena, Reno, Sephiroth: *mutter* “Sorry, boss.”

Tseng: *going back to the phone* “Sorry about that Reeve. Now, forget me. Let’s talk about you…”

(lark walks in, reading the magazine)

Sephiroth: “Lark! You’re back!”

Lark: *reading* “Uh-huh….”

Reno: *spits out what he was drinking* “Are you reading Rufus’ magazine?!”

Lark: *looks up* “Huh? This? Oh, yeah.”

Tseng: *covering the mouthpiece* “Oh no! Not Dictator Weekly! He didn’t try to give you that crap about how it’s Reeve’s, did he?”

Lark: *laughs* “Actually, yes.”

Tseng: *goes back to the phone* “Yeah, Rufus is trying to convince everyone you’re evil.”

Lark: *turns to elena* “Is he talking to Reeve?”

Elena: *annoyed sigh* “What else is new?”

Rude: “……………..”

Reno: “Don’t read that magazine! You’ll get scary! Like him!”

Lark: *giggles* “Who me? Scary?” *pause* “Maybe….”

Sephiroth: *takes it from her* “Let me see this.”

Lark: “Hey! I was reading that!” *tries to grab it back*

Reno: “Don’t let him read that! He’s already nuts and power crazed!” *gets up and tries to grab it away*

Lark: “You’ll rip it!”

Sephiroth: “Let me see it!”

Lark and Reno: “No!”

(lark and reno on one side, seph on the other they both pull with all their might till the magazine rips)

Lark: “Oh no! Sephiroth!!”

Sephiroth: “Why are you blaming me?! You should have just let me read it!”

Reno: “It’s better off in pieces.” *sips from his flask and sits again*

Tseng: *covers mouthpiece* “I can’t hear Reeve!”

Elena: “Watch us all care!”

Tseng: “Elena….”

Elena: “Sorry…”

Lark: “What am I going to tell Rufus now?”

Rude: “……Blame it on Scarlet.”

Lark: *shrugs* “Works for me.”

(the door opens and vincent comes in, looking frantic)

Vincent: “Angel! There you are!”

Reno: *snickers*

Sephiroth: *hand to his head* “Vincent….do you have to embarrass me at work now too?”

Lark: “Vincent! Do you want to come back and work for Shinra too?”

Vincent: “Absolutely not! I came to save you! Shinra is evil!”

Sephiroth: *still holding the remnants of dictator weekly* “Well *duh*.”

Vincent: *grabs the magazine* “Give me that.”

Tseng: *annoyed sigh* “Every time I try to talk on the phone….”

Vincent: “Sephiroth, I want you to quit.”

Sephiroth: *shrugs* “All right. It’s boring here anyway.”

Vincent: *in lecturing mode* “Sephiroth, if you don’t quit–” *pause* “Oh wait. You did. Good.”

Reno: “Whoo hoo! Sephiroth quit!!”

Sephiroth: “How about you, Lark?”

Lark: “Nah, I think I’ll be happy here.” *smiles*


(later…..all of the turks, lark, seph, vincent, noelle, rufus and reeve are in the ramble room)

Rufus: “I can’t believe you quit, Sephiroth. You’re a quitter. A big quitter.”

Sephiroth: “Shut up. Your company sucks.”

Rufus: “Now I’m back a Turk.”

Noelle: “Ooh!! I’ll be a Turk!”

Reno: “No, Noelle!”

Rufus: “You’re hired.”

Noelle: “Hooray!”

Reno: *sighs* “Oh, man.”

Rufus: “By the way, has anyone seen my new issue of Dictator Weekly?” *pause* “I mean Reeve’s issue. It’s his subscription. I just….uh….like the advertisements.” *pause* “Right.”

Reeve: *sighs* “Yeah. Right.”

Sephiroth: “No idea….”

Lark: “Nope. None at all.”

Rufus: *mutters* “Fine. Then I’ll just have to buy the back issue.”

THE END

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